Texas

The boys and I took a trip to Texas to visit my sister Bethany and her family. We had such a lovely time there. We went to Enchanted Rock and took a trail around it, instead of hiking to the top like we did the last time. It was beautiful and sunny!!

  

The kids always have fun climbing anything they possibly can.

We were on the lookout for hearts on the trail. We found several! 

Mackayla had my camera for a while and I love seeing what kids take pictures of!

  We went to a Nature Center in Austin and that was pretty cool. There were lots of fossils, bones, and rocks to check out. There were also some animals which were fun to see. Matthew wants a pet roadrunner now.

We also needed to refuel at Gordough's

We spent a lot of time just being together at home. There was plenty to do. The kids played in the pond and the pool. They loved on the chickens and goats. We wandered around the property. And played some video games. Our last day there, Sean and Mack played in a tree for a couple hours. I sat near them and it was such a calm and pleasant time. We also enjoyed some stunning sunsets from the deck.

   

  

While I was at the airport on the way down, my sister Amy texted me to tell me a good friend of hers died suddenly that morning. She immediately helped her friend (a brand new widow) in a similar way that she helped me right after Jon died. We talked and texted often while I was in Texas about the first week after Jon died, about how being a new widow is terrible, about steps that needed to be taken during the first bit of time after. I had just recently joined a group called the Hot Young Widows Club and it has been a nice community to be a part of, even though I wish I wasn't a part of it. I told her that might be a place for her friend eventually. I reminded her of the support group I take the boys to. I was glad that in some small way, I could share some (hopefully) helpful information. Isn't that part of humanity at its best: Being able to help carry each other's burdens? I know I have benefited so much from others' kindness and when I am able to help someone else, I feel more connected to them. I've said it before, and it's still true...The connections I have with people are what make my life so beautiful and rich and fulfilling. I'm so grateful for my people. 

Ramblings of a Suicide Widow

I realize that Jon was an adult and an independent thinker and allowed to make his own decisions and that all his decisions didn't need to revolve around me. However, I really wish he would have taken the time to consult with me about what was going on. There was one conversation we had about 1 or 2 months before he died during which he said he was going through an existential crisis and wondered what the point of life was. We talked for a bit that night and I told him we give life meaning in whatever way we choose. I realize his mind was probably affected by Lyme disease (this is what I'm choosing to believe because it's the only thing that makes sense to me), but I still wish he would have talked to me more. I don't think he exhausted all his options to find joy or happiness or self worth or whatever it was he needed. He could have seen therapists or other doctors to figure out what was wrong. In fact, he was about to set up a sleep study to figure out why he wasn't sleeping well. 

Anyway, bottom line here is that I'm upset. We made so many decisions together and this was a pretty big one and he had to realize how much it would affect me. I think in a marriage or partnership like we had, it's important to talk about how your actions are going to affect the other person, and the whole family. I'm mad I was left out of the loop. I'm mad he didn't try harder to figure out an alternative solution to whatever was bogging him down and took him to such a terrible place that he felt death was the only option. I'm mad I didn't get a kiss goodbye. I'm mad he made me a single mother. I'm mad about a lot.

The compassionate part of me feels differently, but today I'm mad.