One Year

It's been a year. I tried calling his phone this morning to listen to his voicemail greeting but it's gone. I don't know how that happened as I've kept his phone active. It made me sad that I couldn't hear his voice this morning.

I stayed up late last night talking to my sister about Jon's last days. I'll spend the next few days with family doing some purposeful activities to remember him. We will laugh and cry and be strong together.

My uncle read a poem at my grandma's funeral last Saturday and I keep going over the last part in my mind:

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
From the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

I sure have some broken dreams, but life is beautiful still. Thank you to all of you who have been such a huge part of my journey. I love you and I'm grateful we can help each other through the drudgery.

And to Jonathan Brady: I always told you I would love you forever. It's as true now as it has ever been.

Almost a Year

I joined a Facebook group for widows/widowers which has been a nice resource for advice and support. Recently, I read one woman's post about coming up on the anniversary of her husband's death. She wrote "I'm cataloging all the joys and all the things I've learned about life and myself this year. Kinda like why not celebrate my survival of Year One rather than focus solely on his death."

I've been thinking about this and feel like I want to make my own list.

Joys:

• Cuddling with my kids. 
• More frequent sleepovers with the boys.
• So much family time!
• Visits from friends. The first few months after Jon died, I think I was only on my own one or two weekends. It was really nice.
• Support groups.
• Traveling. I went all over and it was amazing.
• Watching my kids thrive.
• Appreciating mundane experiences more. Things like recognizing patterns in nature. Clouds, trees, flowers, they are so beautiful. Sitting and listening to birds. Raising caterpillars. 
• Going dancing. 
• Playing games with friends and family. 
• Eating ice cream.
• Training for, and completing a couple of fun runs. 
• Getting a pet rabbit! It's a bit silly how much I love him.

Things I've learned about life and myself:

• Time is precious. Don't waste it. 
• If you love someone, tell them often. 
• Good friends (including family) can get you through anything. 
• It's ok to change your mind about anything in your life. You can move, change jobs, buy and sell stuff, cut your hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, go vegan, start/quit school, date a lot or never, redecorate. Whatever! Try stuff out, live your life!
• Be kind. And be honest.
• I have limits. I have a finite amount of patience and energy. I can't do everything. And that's ok.
• I love my quiet life. I love time with people, but I love how low-key my day to day life is.
• Loneliness is garbage, and so is dating. Having a trusted friend that is willing to talk every night and be close to me is priceless and more than enough, most of the time.

This isn't a very profound list by any means, nor is it complete. But I like being reflective. I like focusing on the positive of this last year. I don't cry like I did the first few months. It surprises me now when it happens. I'm sure I'll always miss Jon. I'm sad about the plans we had that won't ever materialize. But I can make new plans. I have a great life. If I dwell on what I don't have, I'll rob the joy from every new and wonderful experience waiting in my future. Here's to another year of growth and discovery!!