Christmas Letter

I'm reading a book called Spending the Holidays With People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  There is a chapter called "Annual Christmas Letters: The Art of the Humblebrag." It made me want to sum up my year for y'all. Get ready!

Season's Greetings from the Brady Family!

Well, we survived the first full year without Jon. That's what people want to know, right? "How are you since... you know?" Sean, Matthew, and I each did some individual therapy. We also went to our support group twice a month. And we talked to each other a lot. There is so much adjusting for all of us. Only having one parent for all the love, discipline, attention, care, planning, driving, etc has taken a bit to get used to. I'm so lucky to have so much support from willing friends and family to help me when I need it.

Some highlights of the year included several trips. We flew to Texas and Hawaii in the winter to escape the cold. We took a road trip in our motorhome (which has since been sold) to Utah, Idaho, and Oregon. Almost 3 weeks on the road was so much fun. And also so tiring. Again, I felt fortunate to have family along the way to help me. I got a tattoo. The boys attended a grief camp over Father's Day weekend, and they had an amazing time there. We took a few trips to the Oregon coast to stay at a family beach house. We spent a lot of time with lots of cousins at various times during the year and we loved it all. I started homeschooling the boys in the fall and it has been a good thing for us. I have a really lovely group of widows I spend time with occasionally who are so much fun.

Life is beautiful. It isn't perfect, but who wants perfect? We're making it through a hard patch and rocking it! (Here's the humblebragging!!) The boys amaze me all the time. Sometimes they make me crazy, but also, they are pretty amazing and I'm proud of the people they are. I'm proud of how we have each just carried on. The kids continue to do well at school. I've started cooking again. We joined the YMCA again after several years away and it's been mostly good to have activities to do each week. We keep chugging along. What more could we want?

May your homes be filled with love and warmth and laughter and friendship always. 

Settling In

I feel like the boys and I are settling into this reality. We made it through the year of firsts. We did so much work. Therapy. Support groups. Crying. Figuring out new routines. Figuring out new boundaries. Yelling. More crying. 

A few weeks ago, a couple friends came over and we made freezer meals together. For the first time since Jon died, I was excited to cook because I was organized and had a plan. It felt so good. There has been some pushback from the kids because they liked eating out or having grilled cheese often, but I’m starting to care again about whether or not they eat veggies. Those poor children.

Back to the original thought. This is our life. The boys and I are really good. I love having them home with me. I think they enjoy having a much more relaxed schedule. Even without regular school, we still do a lot! Swim lessons, music, field trips, etc. But we are all happy and stable. We talk openly about what we think about Jon's death. I have very honest conversations with them about so many topics. Matthew didn't want to talk about missing Jon for over a year, but is starting to open up now. I'm certain it's because of the work he did in therapy, and I'm so grateful.

It's hard to know what the "right" thing to do is all the time. Not having a coparent has been an adjustment for sure. I have some trusted people that allow me to bounce ideas back and forth with, and I'm so grateful for those people. Being an only parent is wonderful and terrible. Terrible because all the decision making falls to me. Wonderful because I don't have anyone to disagree with. Some day, my situation could change. Maybe I'll be in a relationship again and so I'll have to adjust how things are done. For now though, I'm really liking being my little family of three. We have a good time together. I like the people my kids are becoming. I have been so proud of them these last 15 months. They have shown me how resilient they are. They have overcome fears. They have shown compassion and empathy to others and I'm just so proud that they are mine.

In conclusion, I guess I just wanted to say that I feel "normal" again. I'm not sure what I expected. I think I was just trying to survive year one. And I did. Now it's out of the way and I feel good. A friend of mine from my support group said something that resonated with me. She said "I was well before, so I knew I would be well again." Even though things are not as I ever imagined, they are still good. Really, really good.

Low Times

Most of the time, I love my life. I'm happy and positive and peaceful about things. And then there are low times. I've been in a funk for a few days and I would like it to stop. For a few weeks now, I've been thinking that I need to start exercising regularly again, but I haven't been motivated enough to actually do anything. One of my goals with homeschooling this year is to be outside with the kids more, no matter what the weather is. I'm doing ok with that one, but I'm worried that I'll wimp out once it's cold. Also, I nearly always get some push-back from one or both of my kids about leaving the house. Anyway, Saturday morning I woke up in a lot of period pain. I basically sat on the couch all day. It wasn't pretty. In the back of my mind, I knew that if I got up and went for a walk, my body would feel better. I just couldn't do it. I was able to make a real, honest to goodness, home cooked  meal (lentil soup) and load the dishwasher. I felt pretty amazing about those accomplishments.

Sunday was another pretty lazy day, but my pain was mostly gone and it wasn't raining, so I took the kids to a corn maze. There was some whining from one of my children and he just wanted to stay home and play video games. I told him that wasn't an option and we went and had a nice time. It had taken a lot of energy points for me to go out that day, and I ended up taking a nap on the couch that evening. We ate leftovers and the boys foraged for snacks. I sent them to start getting ready for bed and walked to the kitchen to turn off the lights and found it a disaster area. Wrappers and dirty dishes all over the counter. A pickle jar with one pickle left in it. A bunch of random crap. I was so tired and so grumpy and I was in no mood to ask the kids to clean it that night, so I wrote them a note on the white board they look at every morning. It said something like "Boys! Seriously!! Clean up the kitchen. None of that stuff is my mess. Please take care of your crap. And empty the dishwasher." That was the general idea anyway.

Monday morning I woke up and just had no motivation to get out of bed. The boys nearly always come in and give me a snuggle before starting on their day. One child brought me a cup of tea. I think I mentioned something about the kitchen. They were like "sure, sure," and then they were off. I was just tired. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to remind them that they need to be responsible for their own messes. I didn't want to be a nag. I didn't want to have to stand there looking at the stupid mess while they took care of it. I just wanted to stay in bed. Then the mom guilt started in. I should have been with them. I should be doing some school with them. I should get my butt out of bed. I could hear them playing nicely together and I thought that was a good thing since I was being a stay-in-bed-mom. I reached out to a friend for support and she said I should be fine taking the day off if I needed it and that she would bring me snacks if I needed them. Another friend said to power through it. I told him I needed to have a cry first. I think sometimes things just stack up and stack up and I hit a wall of "Holy crap, it's the same thing all the time. I'm having the same stupid fights with my strong-willed child nearly daily. And I'm doing this parenting thing by myself and I feel super disrespected by said child and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm tired. So, so tired." Like I said at the beginning of this post, most of the time, I love my life. Every day I love my children and I want to work at helping shape them into lovely adults. But other days, I want to give up. It's hard work, and when I don't see progress, it's hard to stay motivated. But I won't freaking give up and let them raise themselves, because that's not an acceptable option for me. "Nevertheless, she [effing] persisted." I eventually made it out of bed after having a long phone call with one of my favorite people. I hadn't talked with her for a while so catching up with her pulled me away from my self-pity enough that I could get up. I came downstairs to the kitchen that was still a huge mess. I was really disheartened, but I got the kids down there working and then I swept the floor and threw some more crap away and felt better. The day ended pretty well. I felt pretty sure that the next day would be more productive.

Well, I woke up today and did feel pretty good. I had a list of things I needed to get done and I did them. Then I got trapped in a project I made for myself (moving files from one drive to another. It doesn't really matter, but I got into it and couldn't stop). So I was again, trying to parent from my bedroom, which isn't quite as effective with young children as you might think. I reminded them that they are required to do some school work every day and directed them to some things they could do independently while I worked on my computer some more. They did manage to stay on task for about 30 minutes which was pretty good. The rest of the day went pretty well until dinner. I was making something I knew the kids don't love, but it's a meal, right? We also had leftover ramen. I offered them the option of leftovers or the thing they don't love. Anyway, long story short, there was more yelling during dinner. I get so frustrated trying to explain why it's important to not eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and dinner. I wasn't terribly kind and I told one of my children "make whatever you want. I'm not sitting here anymore. Wash your dishes when you're done. I'm going to my room and I kind of don't want to see you anymore tonight." It wasn't my best moment, but I chose to leave the area so it wouldn't escalate further. All the while, feeling that same heaviness of "I don't know how to help this child. I'm a terrible mother."

I must say, I know I'm not a terrible mother. I really do. And I have a lot of people telling me that I'm doing a great job and I appreciate that so much. However, they aren't there listening to me yell at a tiny human who really can't help being who he is. It's my job to teach him and give him the life skills he needs. I just checked out some books that I hope will give me some skills to know how to parent more effectively.

I was in my room, watching old home videos of the kids when they were little. My gosh they were so cute and it was fun to relive some of those moments. The boys watched a bunch with me. While watching those videos I felt more of "I'm not having fun being a mom right now. I want to get back to that." I'm in such a heavy, guilt-heavy place right now. I talked to my friend tonight (the one I talk to every night, because he's a pretty amazing friend), and after he listened to me vent and whine and cry, he helped me come up with some solutions to some of the recurring problems I'm having with my kids. Having a plan and some action steps is always helpful. I'm hopeful about tomorrow. I will start getting out of bed earlier (like before 10) and I will do more than sit around all day. I will set up some structure with the kids about expectations for school and general home life. I will eat healthy food. I will breathe deeply. I will love and hug my children and keep going.

We took these last week, before I fell into my funk.

One Year

It's been a year. I tried calling his phone this morning to listen to his voicemail greeting but it's gone. I don't know how that happened as I've kept his phone active. It made me sad that I couldn't hear his voice this morning.

I stayed up late last night talking to my sister about Jon's last days. I'll spend the next few days with family doing some purposeful activities to remember him. We will laugh and cry and be strong together.

My uncle read a poem at my grandma's funeral last Saturday and I keep going over the last part in my mind:

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
From the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

I sure have some broken dreams, but life is beautiful still. Thank you to all of you who have been such a huge part of my journey. I love you and I'm grateful we can help each other through the drudgery.

And to Jonathan Brady: I always told you I would love you forever. It's as true now as it has ever been.

Almost a Year

I joined a Facebook group for widows/widowers which has been a nice resource for advice and support. Recently, I read one woman's post about coming up on the anniversary of her husband's death. She wrote "I'm cataloging all the joys and all the things I've learned about life and myself this year. Kinda like why not celebrate my survival of Year One rather than focus solely on his death."

I've been thinking about this and feel like I want to make my own list.

Joys:

• Cuddling with my kids. 
• More frequent sleepovers with the boys.
• So much family time!
• Visits from friends. The first few months after Jon died, I think I was only on my own one or two weekends. It was really nice.
• Support groups.
• Traveling. I went all over and it was amazing.
• Watching my kids thrive.
• Appreciating mundane experiences more. Things like recognizing patterns in nature. Clouds, trees, flowers, they are so beautiful. Sitting and listening to birds. Raising caterpillars. 
• Going dancing. 
• Playing games with friends and family. 
• Eating ice cream.
• Training for, and completing a couple of fun runs. 
• Getting a pet rabbit! It's a bit silly how much I love him.

Things I've learned about life and myself:

• Time is precious. Don't waste it. 
• If you love someone, tell them often. 
• Good friends (including family) can get you through anything. 
• It's ok to change your mind about anything in your life. You can move, change jobs, buy and sell stuff, cut your hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, go vegan, start/quit school, date a lot or never, redecorate. Whatever! Try stuff out, live your life!
• Be kind. And be honest.
• I have limits. I have a finite amount of patience and energy. I can't do everything. And that's ok.
• I love my quiet life. I love time with people, but I love how low-key my day to day life is.
• Loneliness is garbage, and so is dating. Having a trusted friend that is willing to talk every night and be close to me is priceless and more than enough, most of the time.

This isn't a very profound list by any means, nor is it complete. But I like being reflective. I like focusing on the positive of this last year. I don't cry like I did the first few months. It surprises me now when it happens. I'm sure I'll always miss Jon. I'm sad about the plans we had that won't ever materialize. But I can make new plans. I have a great life. If I dwell on what I don't have, I'll rob the joy from every new and wonderful experience waiting in my future. Here's to another year of growth and discovery!!

Road Trippin' Leg 5: Idaho, Oregon, Yakima and HOME!!

From Utah, we headed to see my cousin in Idaho Falls. It was so good to see her again. Our kids had a blast together too. We went to one of her friend's house and had fun with her kids and all her animals (chickens, goats, dogs, ducks, cats!!)

A couple years ago, I learned about Craters of the Moon National Monument. It sounded like a place my kids would like, so it was added to the list of places to stop and check out. It was definitely worthwhile! There were several lava tubes we could explore. The walk out to the tunnels was super hot, but inside there were spots that still had snow and ice. 

  

 

 

The boys checking out the ice.

  

I thought the light from above looked really cool.

 

 

This is a big lava bubble that popped or collapsed or something. 

After the Craters, we headed back to Ontario for more fun on the farm. Can I just pause here to mention how great it was that I had so many places to stay with people that love me and my kids. My two nights in Moab were the only ones I was on my own with the boys. Driving the motorhome by myself was rough. Way different than in a car! It was nice knowing that once I got to all these destinations, there would be support. I could relax and know that if I needed a nap, it would be totally fine. 

Here are some pretty sunset shots on the farm. 

Another cousin was at the farm when I got there and it was so fun for my boys to have more kids to play with for a night.

There was a day I was laying out on the lawn and there was a ring around the sun. It was so beautiful. I had to just watch it for a while. Nature is amazing! 

I love farm slip and slides. 

The kids wanted to take me for a ride and show off their driving skills (Grandma only lets them drive in first gear, so it was a somewhat slow ride, which I'm totally ok with!)

I wanted to take the boys to Owyhee Dam for a night. I spent so much time there as a kid and I wanted to share a piece of that with them. Mom joined us too which was such a treat! It's such a pretty drive out there.

The glory hole is gated off now. Thank goodness!!

There was another family there with a son close to my kids' age and they looked for lizards, went fishing, played with an RC car, and watched part of a movie together. It was so nice of them to include the boys in a bunch of fun activities.

My mom believes in giving the kids lots of jobs. They went to a neighbor's house and picked up SO many pinecones. They dog a pit and filled it with the pinecones and started a fire. It burned a long time. We ended up roasted mini marshmallows because that's what we had on hand. 

Another beautiful sky

We left the farm and started our trip home. We stopped in Yakima to spend time with another friend from my time in Manila. Our kids met a few months before when they stayed with us and they were excited to be reunited. We had a great visit with them. It happened to by my first wedding anniversary without Jon while I was there and it was so nice to spend the day with friends. We went to a park and had a great time talking and catching up. 

From Yakima, we headed home. Oh it's so nice to get home after a long trip! I'm so glad we took the time to go have an adventure. I loved taking my kids to some new places, and some of my favorite places. I'm glad that I could learn some things about myself while I was on the road. One thought I had was that I could just stay away as long as I wanted since Jon wasn't home waiting for us to get back. But I learned that I don't like being away for more than a couple weeks. I was reminded that I can do hard things, but I can also simplify my life any time I want to. I reconnected with old friends, and some family I haven't seen in a while. I appreciated so much that my kids are excellent travelers. They read and talked and laughed and didn't complain too much. I love my little family and I love the memories we are making together.