Father’s Day 2023

Were You Watching?

Were you watching us today? 

Did you know how much we’ve been struggling?
Did you see us approach the spot? 
See the boys suddenly realize where we were and stop and stare out in silence?

Did you see me lose it and cry harder than I have in so long?

Did you see Matthew carry almost a whole tree? And stop to watch the water flowing across the trail? Did you see him climb the little waterfall just like you used to do together? 

Did you see Sean stoically walk ahead of us all? Quietly moving forward? Did you see how he threw rocks down the hill? It reminded me of the last video I have of you: throwing a huge rock into a pool of water to make a big splash for the kids. 

Did you see us all climbing off the main trail, the way you always did on our adventures? 

I want to be brave like you. I want to be fun and adventurous like you. I want to make you proud of how I’m working so hard to do right by our boys. Were you watching? 

Five Years

I didn’t sleep well for a month and a half. I was waking up between 4:30 and 5:30 every morning no matter how early or late I went to bed. I don’t function well on low sleep so I’ve been snippier at my kids. I was anxious about so much too. It all finally came to a head last week. I had a chiropractic adjustment and when I got home, Matthew asked me for ice cream right before I started making dinner and I lost it with him. I yelled at him and made him cry. Sean started dinner and I went to have a chat with Matthew. We sorted things out and had a good time making dinner all together. After dinner, I just started feeling so sad. I’m sad that Jon is dead. I’m sad my kids don’t have their dad. I started reading the informational pamphlet the chiropractor sent home and it mentioned that the adjustments might bring up past traumas held in my body. I also think that every year in the days leading up to the anniversary of Jon’s death, I go through a similar thing. Sleep problems, anxiety, short fuse. I cried in my room for an hour. The kind of crying I hadn’t done for a while. Like, it was hard to catch my breath kind of crying. The next couple days were really full and busy. Much of the Brady fam came up to spend time in the area and we had so much fun together. The morning of the 17th, I slept until 7:30. It was amazing! How is it that nothing else changed, but I could sleep again after getting past a date on the calendar? This morning I slept in too. I don’t understand, but I’m grateful. 

I don’t know why my body and mind hold on to the awfulness of that day. I think I generally do a good job to not dwell on it. I have a beautiful life. I have people that love me all around. My kids are healthy and doing pretty well. And yet, every year the beginning of August is rough. I hope it doesn’t happen forever. It can’t, right? 

Five years is a long time. I remember soon after Jon died thinking about time. I’ve read that all the cells in our body replace themselves after a certain number of days/weeks/years. I think it’s something like 7 years that every single cell is different. I remember thinking that 7 years after Jon’s death I will literally be a completely different person. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or completely worse. I won’t be the same person that was so deeply loved by Jon. And also I won’t be the same person that was so shattered by his death. I have so many contradictions like this in my life. 

I know I’m not alone because of the people that love and support me. I also feel so alone.

My kids give me so much joy because they are amazing people. My kids exhaust me.

I have so much gratitude for my beautiful life. I’m so disappointed that things aren’t as I imagined and hoped they would be. 

I hope that August won’t always be so rough. Time does some interesting things to grief by softening the jagged parts. Time also does something to memories: some get a bit more blurry, and some become so perfectly clear in my mind. I hope to keep holding onto the beautiful as time moves steadily on. 

Covid Spring 2020

So much was closed in the Spring. School was all online. People kept their distance from one another. It was a weird time for sure. I was glad that the weather was warming up so I could spend more time in my garden. 

I built a wall along the side fence so I could backfill the area and plant more flowers. I had lots of help from Matt and a little help from the kids. 

Sean built a tower all the way to the ceiling!

One sunny afternoon, I took the boys on a date since we hadn't been anywhere for a while. We got lunch at Wendy's and went to a park to eat and read books in the car full of blankets and pillows. It was fun to have a change of scenery for an hour or so. 

There were hardly any cars on the street by us, so I told Sean to sit in the middle of the road. We joked about how long he could be out there before being in danger. 

Matthew's teacher assigned an Egg-Drop Challenge. Sean, so generously, offered to climb the roof to drop his package off. Matthew's egg was wrapped pretty well in an old peanut butter container. It dropped 2 or 3 times before breaking. 

Sean designed a big glider to throw off the roof (since he was up there anyway). 

I kept up with Forced Family Walks, although sometimes the boys were on roller blades or a unicycle, and I was the only one walking. Being outside was the important part!

Little Bird continues to be a joy to everyone

March 2020

Funny reading positions I found the boys in:

For Jon's birthday, we took flowers to float on the water again. Matthew wanted to bring his unicycle to the park there too. He likes practicing his new skills anywhere he can! Later that day we also had a few friends over for a fire and to roast marshmallows. It was a good day.

In early March, we found out that school would be closing down for a while so our state could "Flatten the Curve" of Covid-19 cases. Sean had a big field trip cancelled. Matthew's Outdoor School trip was cancelled. A cousin's play was cancelled. It was all a big bummer having so much shut down without much information about if or when things would get back to "normal." There were definitely some tears shed all around. 

Sean was able to have one final performance with Orchestra. The sky that day was beautiful, but ominous.

I decided to take the boys to Vancouver to spend some time with Matt since we weren't quite sure what else to do. Because we had so much free time during the day, Matthew practiced on his unicycle a lot. 

I found places to take the boys outside almost every day. Battle Ground Lake State Park was really pretty. We liked it so much, we brought Matt back later in the week.

We thought this tree looked like a reindeer.

Another place we went is Frenchman's Bar Regional Park. There is a long stretch of beach on the Columbia River to play on. There is also a long paved trail on the other side of the parking lot, so Matthew brought his unicycle on that outing too. Seriously, it was unicycling every day for that kid!

Watch for upside down horses!

The last park I took the boys to was Salmon Creek Park. We walked under I-5 and found several places we could get right to the water. It was really pretty.

Once we returned home, I still wanted to get outside with the kids as often as possible. I started having Forced Family Fun and Forced Family Walks. 

Pinecone fights definitely help the "fun" aspect of our outings.

And umbrella fights help too.