Two years.
It’s been two years since my life changed in a way I never ever could have anticipated. I feel like getting further away from that awful day, the day I found out Jon had died, has been good for me. It gets further in the past and therefore somehow it’s less able to cause me pain. It still hurts that he’s gone, but it’s not the intense pain of that day and the days that followed. The shock has passed, but the disbelief is still lingering. How is Jon dead? How in the world did my beautiful, funny, talented, loving husband have such deep and hidden pain within him that he had to end his life? How is that real? It’s so nonsensical.
Gaining distance from that day has been good for me. On the flip side, it means at some point, the time away from that day will exceed the time I actually had with him. I hate the thought of that happening. I hate that as I make new memories, I don’t get to share them with Jon. I still want to laugh with him. I still want to sit and watch our kids do amazing things and be proud of them with him.
I miss Jon. I miss being able to talk with him. I miss his smile and his laughter and his love. I am surrounded by family and friends that love me and I’m truly grateful for my people. No one loves me like Jon loved me, and I miss that deeply.
I’m proud of my boys. I’ve observed my children’s fortitude. They are kind and happy children. I’ve never seen them use their circumstances as an excuse for anything and I appreciate that about them. Different people can react to the garbage that happens in their lives in so many ways. I’ve been happy to see my kids continuing to thrive. There are still some tough moments with them, but for the most part, they are doing so well.
I’m proud of myself. It’s no easy task to parent alone after losing Jon. And I didn’t do it very well in the beginning, so I had to really work hard this last year to make up for that. I’m starting to see the fruits of that work and I feel better equipped and in a better emotional state to be able to be present for them again. Hallelujah! I’ve learned how to do some things I would have just passed off to Jon to do. One example is that recently I learned how to replace a tube in a bicycle tire. That is for sure something I would have had Jon handle. I’ve stretched passed my comfort zone and gained more confidence in my ability to take care of things. I find so much to be happy about. Simple things like flowers or clouds or waves crashing bring me so much peace. I tend to worry a lot about the unknowns of the future, so I’m glad I can find time to sit and calm myself in nature for a few minutes when I need to. I’m learning a lot about what feeds my soul.
When I was attending my support group, so many people warned me that the second year would be harder than the first. There were some ways that was true. For example, the work with my kids to transition to our “new normal” was hard and will continue to take a lot of sustained effort on my part. However, I also think that because I did so much purposeful grieving work the first year, that the second year was not nearly as emotionally painful as the first. I know I have more energy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still like to nap every now and then! My mind doesn’t feel as foggy. I really feel good. I hope the trend continues and this next year is even better for me and my little family.
Onward we go.
Toward more peace.
More love.
More joyful memories.
More appreciation for every day we are fortunate enough to have.
Bring it on!
