Loving birthday Jon!

Jon would be 36 this year. I still love him. I still miss him and the life we had. It's overwhelming at times to be the sole decision maker for my family. I have people I talk things over with, and I'm grateful for my support system. There are still just times when I feel so alone. I'm sure everyone has times like that. It's part of life. Last week, all my frustrations and lonely feelings piled up so much that my emotions spilled out of my eyes. Matthew saw me crying and came over to ask what happened. I told him I was just sad for a bit. He climbed onto my lap, gave me a hug and said "I'm here for you." As we snuggled, I could feel my heart slowing down and my breathing became more relaxed. I'm so grateful for my boys. They are my biggest motivators for everything. I love them. 

For that last week or so, this song has been on repeat in my mind. For anyone not familiar with the musical Dear Evan Hansen, it's about a high school boy who dies from suicide, and the aftermath of that. At least, that's what I gather from the music, I haven't watched it yet. 

The lyrics speak to me so poignantly: 

(I've only included the ones that I found most meaningful to me)

In the dark, you were swept away

And the world wouldn't let you stay

All the words that I want to say, I can't find

I am lost in remembering

Did you soar on an angel's wing?

Will your face keep on lingering

In my mind?

A part of me

Finds a hope in holding on

A part of me

Won't give up what isn't gone

A part of me

Wants to share the hurt and heartache

That I felt that day

When you took away

A part of me

I feel the weight of the world sink in

And the chills dance across my skin

When I think how you must have been

So alone

Hear me now

A part of me

Needs a way to say goodbye

A part of me

Now remembers how to cry

A part of me

Wants to share the hurt and heartache

So the world can see

That you'll always be

A part of me

You left this life

And left me numb

All were blind, and deaf, and dumb

We didn't know how bad it had become

Or how to save you

Now every prayer I've learned is prayed

And every moment shared replayed

I won't allow your memory to fade

Can I save you?

The sky collapsed without a sound

As broken pieces hit the ground

The rain fell down around me and I drowned

But I will save you

Our secret sorrows overflowed

I see them in your afterglow

I promise I will never let you go

I will save you

You are not alone

A part of me

Can't believe it's even real

A part of me

Doesn't know how much to feel

A part of me

Finds a rush within the pain

A part of me

Needs the feeling to remain

A part of me

Wants to share the hurt and heartache

So the world can see

That you'll always be

A part of me

It's strange for me to be here, almost 3 years after Jon's death. I don't know what others expect of me. I don't know if I'm doing widowhood right. Also, when it comes down to it, I don't care much. I'm doing what I can. Most of my days are filled with love and smiles and laughter and hope and joy. Those moments of darkness and confusion still pop up now and then. Moments when my mind zones out and I revisit the past and it feels like I'm transported back in time to the days leading up to and right after Jon's death. In those moments, time sort of stops and I feel myself disappear for large chunks of time. I can sit with my thoughts for hours and not realize it. I don't really know now to explain that better. 

Today is Jon's birthday. I had a couple ideas for things I wanted to do to remember him. I had several text messages from family and friends throughout the day. It's so nice knowing people care. My cousin and the boys and I went to Waterfront Park (where we spread his ashes in the past) and placed 36 flowers in the water. They were pretty yellow flowers that a friend brought me earlier in the week. They were perfect! 

The day started out dark and overcast, but after we finished putting the flowers in the water, the sun came out and it was such a beautiful day! We went and got some Chai at a local coffee shop we like. In the afternoon we went to Tacoma to prep for a birthday party happening tomorrow. And make cookie dough, because that seemed appropriate. There was also a Brady text thread of each of our celebratory activities. It was lovely.

We ended up having a dance party and then Steve stopped by with Strawberry Shortcake (this was Jon's birthday request when he was growing up). Steve found some cool sparkler candles. 

All in all, I had a lovely day. It was joyful and fun and I am continually grateful for the people in my life that make it that way. I'm grateful for my time with Jon. I'm grateful for all the memories we made over the years. He is loved and missed. Loving birthday Jon! 

February

February started with us celebrating Sean's birthday. When I asked Sean what he wanted to do, he just wanted to hang out with cousins. So, off to Tacoma we went. We partied with my sister's family the weekend before his actual birthday. We had also just picked up our favorite Cameron family from the airport the night before, so there were so many reasons to celebrate!

On our way home from that trip, we noticed more and more snow. It was coming down fast and sticking a bit! As soon as we pulled into the driveway, the kids were out the door and running to the neighbor's house to see if they could play. 

The school has great sledding hills, so up we went!

Sean also started rolling a massive snowball. With the help of some other boys, it turned into a fort for a bit before being abandoned for a few more times sledding down the hills since it was starting to get dark. 

The next several days brought more and more snow. And we went out every day because, why the heck not?!

It cracked me up that the kids were trying to ride their bikes in the snow. 

Sean's actual birthday started with the traditional pancakes. Matthew had picked out a lego set for him and we had a pretty low key day. (With some more playing in the snow, of course.) 

Since we had cake the weekend before, we went to Sluys for birthday donuts. Sean mentioned a few times how great his birthday week was. Time with cousins, snow, donuts. It was the best!

The school parking lot was plowed and the kids thought that would be a great opportunity to make a fort in the big piles of snow. 

Matthew carried around a big snowball for most of this day. He called it his egg. It was hilarious. 

You know those pictures people take at the beach with their toes in the sand? This is the winter version. Haha!

Every day that school was cancelled (a whole week, by the way) we laughed a bit, and then bundled up to go play outside. I really loved it. We drank lots of tea and hot chocolate and snuggled and watched shows and just had a great time. There was one day when tensions were high (we hadn't been outside yet that day) and I decided that a walk was in order. It was definitely a good idea. It took several days for the snow to melt, and it was really nice being able to drive around again. 

A week after Snowpocalypse, Sean participated in a school music festival. His group did a really nice job. He rarely practices at home, so I didn't know what to expect. I think it was a good experience for him. 

Last up for this month: I took the kids to Manchester State Park. We hadn't been to that one before. We walked on the beach a bit, and then walked around a trail. It was a pretty place, but I kept having a weird feeling that a cougar was going to jump out at us. Once we made it to the top of the little trail (less than a mile), I could see that my fear was probably irrational, so I won't be so nervous next time.