Tooting My Own Horn

I probably should also write about some of the good things that have happened recently, so it doesn't seem like I wallow in awfulness all the time. I'm getting more adept at taking a deep breath and figuring out how to do things. You know how in marriages, there is often a division of labor? One partner sets up anything electronic, one does yard maintenance, both share in laundry, one takes out the trash, etc. Well, I have had to figure out how to do tasks that usually fell to Jon.

One of the first big things that happened was my car windshield was completely smashed driving on the freeway one day. We were on our way home from a weekend in Oregon and were less than 10 minutes from home when something (it looked like a rubber brick. I have no idea what it actually was) flew up and smashed the passenger side of my windshield. It startled me and the boys a lot! It was raining really heavily and I didn't really feel like stopping on the side of the highway, so I asked the kids if they were ok. They said "yes" and we made it home safely. We unpacked the car and I just sat on the couch coming off the adrenaline rushing through my body. I knew I needed to call the insurance company to figure out how to get the windshield repaired, but I needed a few minutes to calm down. This was something I would have asked Jon to do. Not because I'm not capable, but because the division of labor in our marriage dictated that he handled car stuff. Deep breaths, Betsy. You can do this! I was so happy to find out that I didn't have to take the car anywhere to have the windshield replaced. They sent someone to my house the next day to replace it in my garage. It was so convenient for me. When it was done, I found out that the guy didn't put the windshield wipers back properly, so with several Facetime calls with a mechanic friend, I was able to fix that problem too. I was also advised to get my car detailed to make sure all the glass pieces were cleaned out. The majority of glass went onto the passenger seat and my purse that I ended up throwing away. There was some the flew into the backseat though. I was really pleased with the detail job, but about 6 months later, my sister was leaning against the open window and found a little piece of glass poking her arm. Goodness!

This past summer, Matthew needed a new tube in his bike tire. Again, this fell into a realm of things I didn't have experience in. I figured out the size of tube I needed and had to go to a couple stores to find the right one. I was reading the instructions and saw I needed a tool to remove the old tube. I recognized the tool as something I got rid of in a big garage clean-out I had done earlier in the summer. Dang it! Sean said he was pretty sure he saw one at our neighbor's house. I went and asked if they had some to borrow and they had an extra set that I could have. Yes! I got the tube replaced and inflated and I felt pretty dang amazing. Matthew came down to see the progress and was excited to take his bike out for a spin. I told him he needed to sing praises to my name because I figured out something new. Sean and Matthew took the old tube and taped up the holes and tried to explode it by over-inflating it. He had to replace the tape a couple times and it didn't actually explode, but it was funny to see how full that tube got.

Last week, my wifi wasn't working and I couldn't figure out why. There wasn't an outage, everything appeared to be working properly, but I couldn't connect. I called the internet company to try some troubleshooting and they basically told me they couldn't even find my router in their system because it's so old. I took some pictures of it and went to the local office to see if they could be more helpful than someone on the phone. The lady helping me stifled a laugh when she saw the picture of my router. She was like, "Yeah, that's not going to work for you anymore. It's super old." So she got me a new one and explained how to set it up. I got home and got it working on my own!! This is a big deal for me. I'm not super tech-savvy. My kids were so excited to have the wifi working again. A few days later I was trying to print something and it wasn't working. I realized the printer works over the wifi and with the help of some google searches, I was able to reconnect the printer too. I said to the kids "I'm find of a goddess!" They don't seem too impressed with my newfound ability to get stuff done, but I'm proud of myself.

Last night I was putting up some hooks in the boys' bathroom. Jon was very particular about shelves and things. He was really cute about tucking a pencil behind his ear and getting the level and making things just right. I'm not quite the perfectionist he was, but I do like to do things well. I gathered up the tools I needed and got started. I told Sean he needed to come help me. He didn't want to because he was reading and I shouted at him, "You need to learn some man-skills. You'll need to know how to do this in your future." He said he'll learn when he's 18 and I told him it would be too late then. I told him, "Your dad isn't here to teach you man-skills, so you're getting them from me!" We laughed and he still complained about having to help, but we got the job done.

I'm certain I have many more things to learn. I have also become comfortable hiring people to do certain things, like working in my crawlspace and building a new fence. I don't need to do everything to feel like a kick-ass, independent goddess.

Saturday Doldrums

I woke up Saturday morning feeling like crap. I was still tired and didn't want to get out of bed. I had some anxiety about an upcoming doctors appointment. It's just a routine physical, but I'm due for a tetanus shot and I don't know why, but it freaks me out thinking about it. I was feeling upset about people I love who have cancer. My mind kept going over all sorts of awful thoughts and I couldn't make it stop. I tried thinking about what I needed to calm me down. A cup of tea? A handful of M&Ms? What I really wanted was someone to come lay next to me in my bed. How do you reach out to friends and say "Come lay in bed with me because I'm having a lot of feelings and I don't know what to do with them and I don't want to be alone right now" without it being weird?

I debated with myself for a while if I should text a couple friends. I also wondered if it would be ok to explain to my kids what I was going through. I'm trying to show them that it's ok to have low moments, but also I don't want them to worry too much about me. I finally settled on inviting them into bed with me for some cuddles. They are usually up for some cuddles in the morning. I had them on both sides of me and I held them and kissed them a bunch. I didn't tell them much about my anxieties, just that I wasn't feeling great. They knew we had some activities planned for later that morning and that they weren't allowed to play on screens until we were done with those, so after about 10 minutes of snuggles, they told me to start getting ready for the day. Screen time is a big motivator around here. I laid in bed for a while longer watching some videos and finally got moving.

Our first activity was to go to a navy museum because they were having an event about UUVs (Unmanned Underwater Vehicles), which are what Jon worked on. I'm pretty sure that's right. I wanted to check them out with the kids. There were robotic submersibles for the kids to play with outside, which they liked a lot. There were other robotics inside that they had a good time with also.

When we first went inside, I worried that I might get emotional seeing something Jon could have potentially worked on. Once I saw that there were a few Navy people explaining the UUVs on display, I felt pretty sure it wasn't the same type Jon worked on, so I could relax. We wandered around and saw the changes that had been made since we visited the museum last, and then we went to do our other errands. 

As the day went on, I felt better and better. I think sometimes I just get stuck in my mind and I need to find a way to interrupt my anxious thoughts and feelings of self-pity. I know this logically, but it's hard to put into practice. Today was such a better day. I woke up motivated and alert (maybe because I went to bed a little earlier, and got an "extra" hour of sleep because of daylight saving time-even though I still hate that we change time twice a year). I went for a walk and worked in the yard and went to a friend's house for dinner. It was such a welcome change from yesterday. 

Life is unpredictable, and I have a hard time with that because I really like predictable. I desperately want to take away pain and suffering from people I care about. I don't like feeling helpless. I'm trying hard to find a way to be calm and at peace with the things I can't change. I realize I'm only one human. What I can do may not solve everything, but it will have to be enough. 

My Village

People say "it takes a village to raise a child." Thank goodness I have a kick-ass village.

I have been feeling so much gratitude for my village over the last couple of months. Some things have happened recently that would be impossible to handle alone. I have a dear friend who has needed a lot of rides to medical appointments. Between several other friends, we have been able to get her to all of them. Another loved one was recently diagnosed with cancer, and I have taken some time to be with her. There are times I bring my kids with me and other times I leave them behind. I have left them at home, or with friends that are able to help out if I need to be away for a long period of time. I often worry I might be leaving them too much, but at the same time I'm grateful for being able to help my friends (and set an example of service), and I'm in turn, grateful for friends that have helped me with my kids. Last month, I wasn't paying attention to the timing of an event Sean was attending, and wasn't able to pick him up when he was finished. I reached out to a newish friend who was able to help pick up my slack. Other friends have taken my kids to lunch or dinner or to their houses to play several times. It can be so hard for me, and others to ask for help, but there are just some times we can't do everything ourselves. I really hope my kids are watching and taking note of how our friends are helping each other so they can continue to do this when they are adults.

I often feel overwhelmed with being an only parent. However, I have surrounded myself with excellent people who love me and love my kids. People who are kind and patient and willing to help me when I need it. Friends that sit and listen to my complaining, friends that encourage my kids to do their schoolwork, friends that hug me when I'm crying when life gets too heavy. I'm just so grateful for people that continually show up.

Two Years

Two years.

It’s been two years since my life changed in a way I never ever could have anticipated. I feel like getting further away from that awful day, the day I found out Jon had died, has been good for me. It gets further in the past and therefore somehow it’s less able to cause me pain. It still hurts that he’s gone, but it’s not the intense pain of that day and the days that followed. The shock has passed, but the disbelief is still lingering. How is Jon dead? How in the world did my beautiful, funny, talented, loving husband have such deep and hidden pain within him that he had to end his life? How is that real? It’s so nonsensical. 

Gaining distance from that day has been good for me. On the flip side, it means at some point, the time away from that day will exceed the time I actually had with him. I hate the thought of that happening. I hate that as I make new memories, I don’t get to share them with Jon. I still want to laugh with him. I still want to sit and watch our kids do amazing things and be proud of them with him. 

I miss Jon. I miss being able to talk with him. I miss his smile and his laughter and his love. I am surrounded by family and friends that love me and I’m truly grateful for my people. No one loves me like Jon loved me, and I miss that deeply.

I’m proud of my boys. I’ve observed my children’s fortitude. They are kind and happy children. I’ve never seen them use their circumstances as an excuse for anything and I appreciate that about them. Different people can react to the garbage that happens in their lives in so many ways. I’ve been happy to see my kids continuing to thrive. There are still some tough moments with them, but for the most part, they are doing so well. 

I’m proud of myself. It’s no easy task to parent alone after losing Jon. And I didn’t do it very well in the beginning, so I had to really work hard this last year to make up for that. I’m starting to see the fruits of that work and I feel better equipped and in a better emotional state to be able to be present for them again. Hallelujah! I’ve learned how to do some things I would have just passed off to Jon to do. One example is that recently I learned how to replace a tube in a bicycle tire. That is for sure something I would have had Jon handle. I’ve stretched passed my comfort zone and gained more confidence in my ability to take care of things. I find so much to be happy about. Simple things like flowers or clouds or waves crashing bring me so much peace. I tend to worry a lot about the unknowns of the future, so I’m glad I can find time to sit and calm myself in nature for a few minutes when I need to. I’m learning a lot about what feeds my soul. 

When I was attending my support group, so many people warned me that the second year would be harder than the first. There were some ways that was true. For example, the work with my kids to transition to our “new normal” was hard and will continue to take a lot of sustained effort on my part. However, I also think that because I did so much purposeful grieving work the first year, that the second year was not nearly as emotionally painful as the first. I know I have more energy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still like to nap every now and then! My mind doesn’t feel as foggy. I really feel good. I hope the trend continues and this next year is even better for me and my little family. 

Onward we go. 

Toward more peace.

More love.

More joyful memories.

More appreciation for every day we are fortunate enough to have.

Bring it on!

Take a walk through MY garden

I can't seem to get enough of my garden this year. I keep taking pictures of all the flowers and food growing. I was thinking about it the other day when it dawned on me that my garden is something that I do for me. Most of what I do is for my kids. Not everything is about them, but a lot is. It's the season of life I'm in, and I'm really ok with it. But my garden is mine. It makes me happy to go water it and watch it change and thrive. I typically water by myself, without anyone asking me for anything. It gives me a peaceful hour to myself. I love that it provides food for us and beautiful flowers to look at. The kids and I have enjoyed watching a spider on one of the sunflowers over the last few days. Our raspberries and strawberries rarely make it inside the house because we eat them so quickly. I brought a chair into the garden the other night to just sit and relax while the sun set. It's pretty idyllic. So, I provide for you, some eye candy.

May: The Beginnings

baby plums

June: the First Fruits

Occasionally I get to preserve some berries. If I beat the kids to picking them! 

We picked a radish that looked like a hummingbird. I gave Sean the task of taking it on a photographic adventure.

July: Plum Season

Almost ready. And then...

I processed a lot of plums. I dried some. I made fruit leather. I made plum bread. We gave loads and loads away. If I hadn't been leaving town I would have made jam. There's always next year. This tree doesn't quit!! 

I love the way peas cling onto the frame

Who knew potato flowers are so cute?!

This zucchini flower just had its hair perfectly coiffed. 

My neighbors grow grapes and they come over our fence. They aren't delicious, but they sure are fun to watch develop. 

And, oh, the glorious flowers!

Poppies and zinnias:

This bud reminded me of Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors

Hydrangeas and Teddy Bear sunflowers:

Succulents:

I love the purple stems on this one. And it has tiny yellow flowers. And inside the leaves it seems like aloe vera. So cool!

Other assorted beauties

  

Even the dried out things look kind of cool:

My pretty pink dahlias. These are huge and bright for several days until the sun starts fading them. 

Here's the sunset in the garden from the other night. 

I have spent a lot of time outside contemplating how I can add more flowers and trees to the yard. I have some ideas and have started working on little projects. I bought a tree that I'm excited about (a curly willow) and slowly, slowly I'll transform my little slice of heaven into a more beautiful place to spend my evenings.