I didn’t sleep well for a month and a half. I was waking up between 4:30 and 5:30 every morning no matter how early or late I went to bed. I don’t function well on low sleep so I’ve been snippier at my kids. I was anxious about so much too. It all finally came to a head last week. I had a chiropractic adjustment and when I got home, Matthew asked me for ice cream right before I started making dinner and I lost it with him. I yelled at him and made him cry. Sean started dinner and I went to have a chat with Matthew. We sorted things out and had a good time making dinner all together. After dinner, I just started feeling so sad. I’m sad that Jon is dead. I’m sad my kids don’t have their dad. I started reading the informational pamphlet the chiropractor sent home and it mentioned that the adjustments might bring up past traumas held in my body. I also think that every year in the days leading up to the anniversary of Jon’s death, I go through a similar thing. Sleep problems, anxiety, short fuse. I cried in my room for an hour. The kind of crying I hadn’t done for a while. Like, it was hard to catch my breath kind of crying. The next couple days were really full and busy. Much of the Brady fam came up to spend time in the area and we had so much fun together. The morning of the 17th, I slept until 7:30. It was amazing! How is it that nothing else changed, but I could sleep again after getting past a date on the calendar? This morning I slept in too. I don’t understand, but I’m grateful.
I don’t know why my body and mind hold on to the awfulness of that day. I think I generally do a good job to not dwell on it. I have a beautiful life. I have people that love me all around. My kids are healthy and doing pretty well. And yet, every year the beginning of August is rough. I hope it doesn’t happen forever. It can’t, right?
Five years is a long time. I remember soon after Jon died thinking about time. I’ve read that all the cells in our body replace themselves after a certain number of days/weeks/years. I think it’s something like 7 years that every single cell is different. I remember thinking that 7 years after Jon’s death I will literally be a completely different person. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or completely worse. I won’t be the same person that was so deeply loved by Jon. And also I won’t be the same person that was so shattered by his death. I have so many contradictions like this in my life.
I know I’m not alone because of the people that love and support me. I also feel so alone.
My kids give me so much joy because they are amazing people. My kids exhaust me.
I have so much gratitude for my beautiful life. I’m so disappointed that things aren’t as I imagined and hoped they would be.
I hope that August won’t always be so rough. Time does some interesting things to grief by softening the jagged parts. Time also does something to memories: some get a bit more blurry, and some become so perfectly clear in my mind. I hope to keep holding onto the beautiful as time moves steadily on.
