Tomorrow would have been my 12th wedding anniversary with Jon. We weren't together last year (I was on a road trip with the kids), but our 10 year anniversary we were together and it was so much fun. The 4 of us went to a cabin near Lake Quinault. We had a somewhat impromptu sharing of new vows to each other on a hike in the forest. It was just so nice to take time to celebrate our little family.
For the past few months, I have had a few thoughts about how I wanted to spend the day. As this week went on, plans got shifted around. I will be with some good friends and I'm sure we will have a beautiful day. I will wish Jon was here. I always wish Jon was here. I also wish I could be in the arms of the man I've been seeing lately. Because grief is complicated and being physically close to someone makes it more bearable. I also wish I could hide in bed all day. Honestly, I'm glad I won't be alone. A friend from my support group gave me a piece of advice when I was fretting Jon's birthday: Hold space for the possibility that it will be an amazing day. She was right about it then, and I believe it'll be true for tomorrow too.
All this to say... life, man. It's sure not predictable, is it? I'm doing my best to go with the flow. To accept my circumstances, and to make the best of them. I've been on the road, away from my home for almost 3 weeks now. I am having a ton of fun and stretching out of my comfort zone. I'm learning what some of my limits are. I'm learning who I am and who I want to be in this stage of my life.
I feel like I'm not sticking to the subject of my would-be anniversary very well in this post. My mind wanders. I guess, in summary, I'll just say, I miss Jon. I miss being his wife and having him to talk to every day. I miss how he loved me. Knowing what I know now, I would marry him again in an instant. I'm always, always, always glad we found each other and built a life together.
Here are a couple pictures from our 10
Year anniversary trip.
