Saturday Doldrums

I woke up Saturday morning feeling like crap. I was still tired and didn't want to get out of bed. I had some anxiety about an upcoming doctors appointment. It's just a routine physical, but I'm due for a tetanus shot and I don't know why, but it freaks me out thinking about it. I was feeling upset about people I love who have cancer. My mind kept going over all sorts of awful thoughts and I couldn't make it stop. I tried thinking about what I needed to calm me down. A cup of tea? A handful of M&Ms? What I really wanted was someone to come lay next to me in my bed. How do you reach out to friends and say "Come lay in bed with me because I'm having a lot of feelings and I don't know what to do with them and I don't want to be alone right now" without it being weird?

I debated with myself for a while if I should text a couple friends. I also wondered if it would be ok to explain to my kids what I was going through. I'm trying to show them that it's ok to have low moments, but also I don't want them to worry too much about me. I finally settled on inviting them into bed with me for some cuddles. They are usually up for some cuddles in the morning. I had them on both sides of me and I held them and kissed them a bunch. I didn't tell them much about my anxieties, just that I wasn't feeling great. They knew we had some activities planned for later that morning and that they weren't allowed to play on screens until we were done with those, so after about 10 minutes of snuggles, they told me to start getting ready for the day. Screen time is a big motivator around here. I laid in bed for a while longer watching some videos and finally got moving.

Our first activity was to go to a navy museum because they were having an event about UUVs (Unmanned Underwater Vehicles), which are what Jon worked on. I'm pretty sure that's right. I wanted to check them out with the kids. There were robotic submersibles for the kids to play with outside, which they liked a lot. There were other robotics inside that they had a good time with also.

When we first went inside, I worried that I might get emotional seeing something Jon could have potentially worked on. Once I saw that there were a few Navy people explaining the UUVs on display, I felt pretty sure it wasn't the same type Jon worked on, so I could relax. We wandered around and saw the changes that had been made since we visited the museum last, and then we went to do our other errands. 

As the day went on, I felt better and better. I think sometimes I just get stuck in my mind and I need to find a way to interrupt my anxious thoughts and feelings of self-pity. I know this logically, but it's hard to put into practice. Today was such a better day. I woke up motivated and alert (maybe because I went to bed a little earlier, and got an "extra" hour of sleep because of daylight saving time-even though I still hate that we change time twice a year). I went for a walk and worked in the yard and went to a friend's house for dinner. It was such a welcome change from yesterday. 

Life is unpredictable, and I have a hard time with that because I really like predictable. I desperately want to take away pain and suffering from people I care about. I don't like feeling helpless. I'm trying hard to find a way to be calm and at peace with the things I can't change. I realize I'm only one human. What I can do may not solve everything, but it will have to be enough.