Settling In

I feel like the boys and I are settling into this reality. We made it through the year of firsts. We did so much work. Therapy. Support groups. Crying. Figuring out new routines. Figuring out new boundaries. Yelling. More crying. 

A few weeks ago, a couple friends came over and we made freezer meals together. For the first time since Jon died, I was excited to cook because I was organized and had a plan. It felt so good. There has been some pushback from the kids because they liked eating out or having grilled cheese often, but I’m starting to care again about whether or not they eat veggies. Those poor children.

Back to the original thought. This is our life. The boys and I are really good. I love having them home with me. I think they enjoy having a much more relaxed schedule. Even without regular school, we still do a lot! Swim lessons, music, field trips, etc. But we are all happy and stable. We talk openly about what we think about Jon's death. I have very honest conversations with them about so many topics. Matthew didn't want to talk about missing Jon for over a year, but is starting to open up now. I'm certain it's because of the work he did in therapy, and I'm so grateful.

It's hard to know what the "right" thing to do is all the time. Not having a coparent has been an adjustment for sure. I have some trusted people that allow me to bounce ideas back and forth with, and I'm so grateful for those people. Being an only parent is wonderful and terrible. Terrible because all the decision making falls to me. Wonderful because I don't have anyone to disagree with. Some day, my situation could change. Maybe I'll be in a relationship again and so I'll have to adjust how things are done. For now though, I'm really liking being my little family of three. We have a good time together. I like the people my kids are becoming. I have been so proud of them these last 15 months. They have shown me how resilient they are. They have overcome fears. They have shown compassion and empathy to others and I'm just so proud that they are mine.

In conclusion, I guess I just wanted to say that I feel "normal" again. I'm not sure what I expected. I think I was just trying to survive year one. And I did. Now it's out of the way and I feel good. A friend of mine from my support group said something that resonated with me. She said "I was well before, so I knew I would be well again." Even though things are not as I ever imagined, they are still good. Really, really good.