Ramblings of a Suicide Widow

I realize that Jon was an adult and an independent thinker and allowed to make his own decisions and that all his decisions didn't need to revolve around me. However, I really wish he would have taken the time to consult with me about what was going on. There was one conversation we had about 1 or 2 months before he died during which he said he was going through an existential crisis and wondered what the point of life was. We talked for a bit that night and I told him we give life meaning in whatever way we choose. I realize his mind was probably affected by Lyme disease (this is what I'm choosing to believe because it's the only thing that makes sense to me), but I still wish he would have talked to me more. I don't think he exhausted all his options to find joy or happiness or self worth or whatever it was he needed. He could have seen therapists or other doctors to figure out what was wrong. In fact, he was about to set up a sleep study to figure out why he wasn't sleeping well. 

Anyway, bottom line here is that I'm upset. We made so many decisions together and this was a pretty big one and he had to realize how much it would affect me. I think in a marriage or partnership like we had, it's important to talk about how your actions are going to affect the other person, and the whole family. I'm mad I was left out of the loop. I'm mad he didn't try harder to figure out an alternative solution to whatever was bogging him down and took him to such a terrible place that he felt death was the only option. I'm mad I didn't get a kiss goodbye. I'm mad he made me a single mother. I'm mad about a lot.

The compassionate part of me feels differently, but today I'm mad.