Forgiveness

I've spent a lot of the last couple months being angry with Jon. He did some things during the last few months of his life that were very out of character for him and I was really hurt by them. I don't want to be angry forever, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that being angry keeps me from being sad. When Jon first died I was a mess. I just wanted to know why. Why did he leave us? Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he ask for help? As time went on, and I came to terms with his death a little, my thoughts changed. I'm angry for what he kept from me. I'm angry he made me doubt our relationship. I'm angry I can't fight with him about things I've learned since his death.

I've been really struggling with how I can move past this anger. I was talking this over with a friend who reminded me that I need to forgive him. And that I need to do it for me and no one else. It was just what I needed to hear. I mean, duh! Why didn't I put that together in my brain?! My friend suggested some action steps I could take that could start the process. The other morning I went to the waterfront where we spent many hours together as a family and even a couple times on dates. I pulled up a picture of Jon on my phone and started talking to him out loud. I began awkwardly because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. I told him I missed him and loved him and that I was mad. I told him what I was mad about. I told him I'm mad I can't yell at him about all this now. Then I wondered out loud what I even wanted. In that moment I realized, and said out loud, that I want an apology I'll never get. I cried and cried. I said exactly what I would have wanted him to say to me. I said that I want to forgive him. I said "I  miss you. And I love you." I couldn't bring myself to say "I forgive you." Not yet. Then I just sat for a while. I didn't have any more thoughts or words. I was done for a bit. I drove home and sat for a while in the kitchen, feeling emotionally drained. I probably only sat at the waterfront for maybe fifteen minutes, but it was enough I guess. I don't feel like I've forgiven him, but taking a thoughtful, purposeful first step was huge for me.

There is a song from the Hamilton soundtrack that tugs on my heart hard. It's called It's Quiet Uptown. The song takes place after Alexander Hamilton's son is killed and his wife is angry for him knowing about the duel. Anyway, there is a part in the song that talks about the forgiveness that happens and every single time I hear the song, it moves me. "Forgiveness. Can you imagine?"