Bend, Don't Break

Last week, I was sitting on my bed watching the trees blow every which way. Back and forth and almost in circles as if they were in a washing machine. I was mulling over some life decisions that morning, so I thought, "I feel like those trees. My mind is going in all directions."

I watched for a while. I took a video so I could try capturing the moment I thought about my decisions a bit. What is it I want to do? Where do I go? What's the right decision? I honestly don't know. Then I thought that I just need to be flexible. I've heard analogies about trees in the wind before. They bend so they don't break. If they are too rigid, they aren't able to withstand the wind and they just get knocked over. But if they are flexible, they can move in different directions, and remain a part of the tree that is deeply rooted. I will try to be like that. I know what matters most deeply in my life. All the other branches of my life, well, I can be flexible with them. Stay put or move? Doesn't matter honestly. I don't have to do either, so I have some time to make a very thoughtful choice on where to live. Date or don't? I'm ok either way. Would I like to? Yes. Do I have to? Sure don't. Keep the kids in school or homeschool? I can change my mind about that one, and I have in the past and my boys are happy and thriving wherever they are.

There are times I feel so weighed down with the responsibility of being an only parent. It feels so heavy. I realize, however, how very fortunate I am to have people that will help me so often. People that love me and my children and want us to be happy. People that encourage me and validate me. I realize I have more options available to me than many widows, and I'm so grateful for that. Jon didn't leave me destitute. I have some means. I have amazing friends. My family is beyond compare as far as being supportive. As good as I know I have it, it's still hard. I will continue to do my best, and to be flexible. I may get tossed around by life, but I won't break.