Hawaii

Before Jon died last year, we had been planning on taking a trip to Hawaii for Christmas. We wanted to take our kids somewhere warm and sunny. Well, life happened and our Hawaii trip was postponed. Sean actually asked in those early days after Jon died if we would still be able to go on trips. I assured him we would.

Creed and Holly started planning a trip to see my aunt and uncle (who are in Hawaii on a mission) and we all agreed it would be fun to go together, so we made it happen. Our friend Chelsea joined us too.

I took a gazillion pictures, so... get ready.

Day 1- Sunday
We woke up early and Amy kindly drove us to the airport. Creed and Holly actually went out there a few days before us. Chelsea and I flew with the kids and we had a lovely flight. The airline had lots of media for the kids to be entertained. I had packed games and activities, but they weren't needed.

When we landed and got our car, we got in touch with Creed and Holly and they were out at a beach. We unloaded our stuff at the rental house, and walked to the beach closest to our house. It was so warm and sunny and beautiful. The boys were so happy to play in the water. They were initially cautious of the waves, but then figured out how to watch them and got more comfortable. There was one wave that came up higher than we thought it would and it tried to bury all our stuff in water. It was pretty funny.

Later that day, we met up with Creed and Holly and they took us to another nearby beach where there were turtles hanging out.

Day 2- Monday

In the morning, I took the boys to the beach for a bit. There was a random dog there running around with us. It was fine for a while and kind of funny to watch this dog digging in the sand and being ridiculous. But then she started being a little more aggressive and jumping on the boys, so we left to head out to another spot. As we were walking back to the house, I was a little behind the kids and just listened to them talking. I was taking in the trees and the sunshine. It reminded me so much of all the times I wandered around the beaches in the Philippines as a kid. I loved the beach and was so fortunate to have the chance to spend so much time out there. Hours and hours looking for shells, playing with brittle star fish, swimming, building sand castles and tide pools. I felt so much nostalgia and gratitude for my upbringing. 

Off we went to another beach. I should remember the names of the places we went, but I sure don't. The place we stayed was great and had boogie boards and flippers and other things we could use. It was so nice. 

Yet another beach we went to, Paradise Cove, there was a sea turtle swimming around which was cool to see. 

The boys and I went back to the beach closest to us to enjoy the sunset.

Day 3- Tuesday

This was probably my favorite day of our week. Chelsea and I went to Costco in the morning for supplies. There was so much giggling. We had forgotten our shopping list and asked Holly to text us a picture of it. There were so hilarious additions to the list when it was sent over. 

He said "Call me Rosy Cheeks"

After we unloaded the food, we packed up some food and headed to a beach that Creed, Holly and Chelsea had visited the evening before. I decided to grab Jon's ashes that I was hoping to find a place for while in Hawaii. The little beach was at the north end of Makua Beach. The public beach appeared to be closed for some construction, so we were at a roadside pullout. It was so private and we had the place to ourselves for the majority of our time there.

I decided this was a good place to spread some of Jon's ashes. I asked Matthew first if he wanted to put some in the water and he did. After he let all the ashes wash off his hands, he said "My dad is basically Poseidon because he's in the water." 

Sean was up next and tried to toss them, but it didn't really work since his hands were so wet. But he was still able to get the ashes into the water. 

I decided to walk a little further out to leave some ashes. I was fine in the moment, but after I closed the lid and just stood there hearing the kids play and laugh and enjoy the day, I was struck by Jon's absence. He should have been here with us. He loved the water, he would have loved sharing this fun day with all of us. Going to Hawaii as a family was something we all were looking forward to.  

Holly, Creed, and Chelsea all had a chance to release some of Jon into the water too. 

I felt the need to have some time alone. I think Creed did too. He and I walked away from the group together and cried a bit together. I walked up onto a rocky area. It had several plaques placed into the rocks as memorials to people who had died. It was really beautiful and moving and seemed so fitting. "I sat for a while and cried and wondered "why?" After crying, I felt ready to move forward and enjoy this day at the beach with my family. 

Spending a little time with Jon's ashes. Looking out at the ocean.

One of the markers.

The rest of the day we spent playing in the water. Riding waves, attempting to surf, swimming, building a sand castle, snacking, and laughing a lot. 

"The cure for anything is salt water. Sweat, tears, or the sea." By Isak Dinesen

Day 4- Wednesday

We went to the open markets in Honolulu to do some shopping. We got some good stuff. After that, we headed to Pearl Harbor. We weren't there early enough to take the ferry to see the USS Arizona, so we enjoyed the other exhibits. 

From there, we headed north to visit my aunt and uncle. 

Heidi showing me pictures.

We headed to the Sunset Beach right by their house for a bit before heading to dinner at Seven Brothers. 

I love these goofballs!

Day 5- Thursday

Ella and I started the morning with some yoga.

The back yard of the house had a tire swing which the kids all had fun with. The patio was also a really peaceful place to spend time together.

We hiked the Diamond Head Crater. It was a sunny day and all the vistas were just so beautiful. When we got to the top, we were hit with a really quick downpour. 

I ended up leaving some ashes up here too. It was much less ceremonious, but it was so pretty that I thought it was a good place for part of him to hang out.

Sean really liked this artillery lookout.

We cooled off with some shaved ice.

Then back to the beach!!

Day 6-Friday

This was our last full day, so we wanted to spend more time at beaches. First up was Makaha Beach. 

We headed back to what we call Jon's Beach.

Matthew made a little sea urchin nursery

Chelsea and the boys and I went back to the little beach by our house to enjoy our last sunset. 

My aunt and uncle came down that night and we all went to get dinner together.

Matthew said "Santa Claus gone wrong."

Back at the house, we were all treating our sunburns with aloe. It was quite a hilarious process. 

Saturday morning, Chelsea, the boys and I flew home. We had such a nice time together. Having the sun shine every day was so nice. Being warm was so welcome. It snowed at home while we were away. I'm so glad we took the time to make a trip to Hawaii happen. I'm so glad we went with the people we did. I'm so glad I got to see my aunt and uncle while I was there. There were so many new, happy memories made and over and over I'm so grateful for the people in my life. 

Texas

The boys and I took a trip to Texas to visit my sister Bethany and her family. We had such a lovely time there. We went to Enchanted Rock and took a trail around it, instead of hiking to the top like we did the last time. It was beautiful and sunny!!

  

The kids always have fun climbing anything they possibly can.

We were on the lookout for hearts on the trail. We found several! 

Mackayla had my camera for a while and I love seeing what kids take pictures of!

  We went to a Nature Center in Austin and that was pretty cool. There were lots of fossils, bones, and rocks to check out. There were also some animals which were fun to see. Matthew wants a pet roadrunner now.

We also needed to refuel at Gordough's

We spent a lot of time just being together at home. There was plenty to do. The kids played in the pond and the pool. They loved on the chickens and goats. We wandered around the property. And played some video games. Our last day there, Sean and Mack played in a tree for a couple hours. I sat near them and it was such a calm and pleasant time. We also enjoyed some stunning sunsets from the deck.

   

  

While I was at the airport on the way down, my sister Amy texted me to tell me a good friend of hers died suddenly that morning. She immediately helped her friend (a brand new widow) in a similar way that she helped me right after Jon died. We talked and texted often while I was in Texas about the first week after Jon died, about how being a new widow is terrible, about steps that needed to be taken during the first bit of time after. I had just recently joined a group called the Hot Young Widows Club and it has been a nice community to be a part of, even though I wish I wasn't a part of it. I told her that might be a place for her friend eventually. I reminded her of the support group I take the boys to. I was glad that in some small way, I could share some (hopefully) helpful information. Isn't that part of humanity at its best: Being able to help carry each other's burdens? I know I have benefited so much from others' kindness and when I am able to help someone else, I feel more connected to them. I've said it before, and it's still true...The connections I have with people are what make my life so beautiful and rich and fulfilling. I'm so grateful for my people. 

Ramblings of a Suicide Widow

I realize that Jon was an adult and an independent thinker and allowed to make his own decisions and that all his decisions didn't need to revolve around me. However, I really wish he would have taken the time to consult with me about what was going on. There was one conversation we had about 1 or 2 months before he died during which he said he was going through an existential crisis and wondered what the point of life was. We talked for a bit that night and I told him we give life meaning in whatever way we choose. I realize his mind was probably affected by Lyme disease (this is what I'm choosing to believe because it's the only thing that makes sense to me), but I still wish he would have talked to me more. I don't think he exhausted all his options to find joy or happiness or self worth or whatever it was he needed. He could have seen therapists or other doctors to figure out what was wrong. In fact, he was about to set up a sleep study to figure out why he wasn't sleeping well. 

Anyway, bottom line here is that I'm upset. We made so many decisions together and this was a pretty big one and he had to realize how much it would affect me. I think in a marriage or partnership like we had, it's important to talk about how your actions are going to affect the other person, and the whole family. I'm mad I was left out of the loop. I'm mad he didn't try harder to figure out an alternative solution to whatever was bogging him down and took him to such a terrible place that he felt death was the only option. I'm mad I didn't get a kiss goodbye. I'm mad he made me a single mother. I'm mad about a lot.

The compassionate part of me feels differently, but today I'm mad.