One Year

It's been a year. I tried calling his phone this morning to listen to his voicemail greeting but it's gone. I don't know how that happened as I've kept his phone active. It made me sad that I couldn't hear his voice this morning.

I stayed up late last night talking to my sister about Jon's last days. I'll spend the next few days with family doing some purposeful activities to remember him. We will laugh and cry and be strong together.

My uncle read a poem at my grandma's funeral last Saturday and I keep going over the last part in my mind:

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
From the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

I sure have some broken dreams, but life is beautiful still. Thank you to all of you who have been such a huge part of my journey. I love you and I'm grateful we can help each other through the drudgery.

And to Jonathan Brady: I always told you I would love you forever. It's as true now as it has ever been.

Almost a Year

I joined a Facebook group for widows/widowers which has been a nice resource for advice and support. Recently, I read one woman's post about coming up on the anniversary of her husband's death. She wrote "I'm cataloging all the joys and all the things I've learned about life and myself this year. Kinda like why not celebrate my survival of Year One rather than focus solely on his death."

I've been thinking about this and feel like I want to make my own list.

Joys:

• Cuddling with my kids. 
• More frequent sleepovers with the boys.
• So much family time!
• Visits from friends. The first few months after Jon died, I think I was only on my own one or two weekends. It was really nice.
• Support groups.
• Traveling. I went all over and it was amazing.
• Watching my kids thrive.
• Appreciating mundane experiences more. Things like recognizing patterns in nature. Clouds, trees, flowers, they are so beautiful. Sitting and listening to birds. Raising caterpillars. 
• Going dancing. 
• Playing games with friends and family. 
• Eating ice cream.
• Training for, and completing a couple of fun runs. 
• Getting a pet rabbit! It's a bit silly how much I love him.

Things I've learned about life and myself:

• Time is precious. Don't waste it. 
• If you love someone, tell them often. 
• Good friends (including family) can get you through anything. 
• It's ok to change your mind about anything in your life. You can move, change jobs, buy and sell stuff, cut your hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, go vegan, start/quit school, date a lot or never, redecorate. Whatever! Try stuff out, live your life!
• Be kind. And be honest.
• I have limits. I have a finite amount of patience and energy. I can't do everything. And that's ok.
• I love my quiet life. I love time with people, but I love how low-key my day to day life is.
• Loneliness is garbage, and so is dating. Having a trusted friend that is willing to talk every night and be close to me is priceless and more than enough, most of the time.

This isn't a very profound list by any means, nor is it complete. But I like being reflective. I like focusing on the positive of this last year. I don't cry like I did the first few months. It surprises me now when it happens. I'm sure I'll always miss Jon. I'm sad about the plans we had that won't ever materialize. But I can make new plans. I have a great life. If I dwell on what I don't have, I'll rob the joy from every new and wonderful experience waiting in my future. Here's to another year of growth and discovery!!

Road Trippin' Leg 5: Idaho, Oregon, Yakima and HOME!!

From Utah, we headed to see my cousin in Idaho Falls. It was so good to see her again. Our kids had a blast together too. We went to one of her friend's house and had fun with her kids and all her animals (chickens, goats, dogs, ducks, cats!!)

A couple years ago, I learned about Craters of the Moon National Monument. It sounded like a place my kids would like, so it was added to the list of places to stop and check out. It was definitely worthwhile! There were several lava tubes we could explore. The walk out to the tunnels was super hot, but inside there were spots that still had snow and ice. 

  

 

 

The boys checking out the ice.

  

I thought the light from above looked really cool.

 

 

This is a big lava bubble that popped or collapsed or something. 

After the Craters, we headed back to Ontario for more fun on the farm. Can I just pause here to mention how great it was that I had so many places to stay with people that love me and my kids. My two nights in Moab were the only ones I was on my own with the boys. Driving the motorhome by myself was rough. Way different than in a car! It was nice knowing that once I got to all these destinations, there would be support. I could relax and know that if I needed a nap, it would be totally fine. 

Here are some pretty sunset shots on the farm. 

Another cousin was at the farm when I got there and it was so fun for my boys to have more kids to play with for a night.

There was a day I was laying out on the lawn and there was a ring around the sun. It was so beautiful. I had to just watch it for a while. Nature is amazing! 

I love farm slip and slides. 

The kids wanted to take me for a ride and show off their driving skills (Grandma only lets them drive in first gear, so it was a somewhat slow ride, which I'm totally ok with!)

I wanted to take the boys to Owyhee Dam for a night. I spent so much time there as a kid and I wanted to share a piece of that with them. Mom joined us too which was such a treat! It's such a pretty drive out there.

The glory hole is gated off now. Thank goodness!!

There was another family there with a son close to my kids' age and they looked for lizards, went fishing, played with an RC car, and watched part of a movie together. It was so nice of them to include the boys in a bunch of fun activities.

My mom believes in giving the kids lots of jobs. They went to a neighbor's house and picked up SO many pinecones. They dog a pit and filled it with the pinecones and started a fire. It burned a long time. We ended up roasted mini marshmallows because that's what we had on hand. 

Another beautiful sky

We left the farm and started our trip home. We stopped in Yakima to spend time with another friend from my time in Manila. Our kids met a few months before when they stayed with us and they were excited to be reunited. We had a great visit with them. It happened to by my first wedding anniversary without Jon while I was there and it was so nice to spend the day with friends. We went to a park and had a great time talking and catching up. 

From Yakima, we headed home. Oh it's so nice to get home after a long trip! I'm so glad we took the time to go have an adventure. I loved taking my kids to some new places, and some of my favorite places. I'm glad that I could learn some things about myself while I was on the road. One thought I had was that I could just stay away as long as I wanted since Jon wasn't home waiting for us to get back. But I learned that I don't like being away for more than a couple weeks. I was reminded that I can do hard things, but I can also simplify my life any time I want to. I reconnected with old friends, and some family I haven't seen in a while. I appreciated so much that my kids are excellent travelers. They read and talked and laughed and didn't complain too much. I love my little family and I love the memories we are making together.