My Village

People say "it takes a village to raise a child." Thank goodness I have a kick-ass village.

I have been feeling so much gratitude for my village over the last couple of months. Some things have happened recently that would be impossible to handle alone. I have a dear friend who has needed a lot of rides to medical appointments. Between several other friends, we have been able to get her to all of them. Another loved one was recently diagnosed with cancer, and I have taken some time to be with her. There are times I bring my kids with me and other times I leave them behind. I have left them at home, or with friends that are able to help out if I need to be away for a long period of time. I often worry I might be leaving them too much, but at the same time I'm grateful for being able to help my friends (and set an example of service), and I'm in turn, grateful for friends that have helped me with my kids. Last month, I wasn't paying attention to the timing of an event Sean was attending, and wasn't able to pick him up when he was finished. I reached out to a newish friend who was able to help pick up my slack. Other friends have taken my kids to lunch or dinner or to their houses to play several times. It can be so hard for me, and others to ask for help, but there are just some times we can't do everything ourselves. I really hope my kids are watching and taking note of how our friends are helping each other so they can continue to do this when they are adults.

I often feel overwhelmed with being an only parent. However, I have surrounded myself with excellent people who love me and love my kids. People who are kind and patient and willing to help me when I need it. Friends that sit and listen to my complaining, friends that encourage my kids to do their schoolwork, friends that hug me when I'm crying when life gets too heavy. I'm just so grateful for people that continually show up.

Two Years

Two years.

It’s been two years since my life changed in a way I never ever could have anticipated. I feel like getting further away from that awful day, the day I found out Jon had died, has been good for me. It gets further in the past and therefore somehow it’s less able to cause me pain. It still hurts that he’s gone, but it’s not the intense pain of that day and the days that followed. The shock has passed, but the disbelief is still lingering. How is Jon dead? How in the world did my beautiful, funny, talented, loving husband have such deep and hidden pain within him that he had to end his life? How is that real? It’s so nonsensical. 

Gaining distance from that day has been good for me. On the flip side, it means at some point, the time away from that day will exceed the time I actually had with him. I hate the thought of that happening. I hate that as I make new memories, I don’t get to share them with Jon. I still want to laugh with him. I still want to sit and watch our kids do amazing things and be proud of them with him. 

I miss Jon. I miss being able to talk with him. I miss his smile and his laughter and his love. I am surrounded by family and friends that love me and I’m truly grateful for my people. No one loves me like Jon loved me, and I miss that deeply.

I’m proud of my boys. I’ve observed my children’s fortitude. They are kind and happy children. I’ve never seen them use their circumstances as an excuse for anything and I appreciate that about them. Different people can react to the garbage that happens in their lives in so many ways. I’ve been happy to see my kids continuing to thrive. There are still some tough moments with them, but for the most part, they are doing so well. 

I’m proud of myself. It’s no easy task to parent alone after losing Jon. And I didn’t do it very well in the beginning, so I had to really work hard this last year to make up for that. I’m starting to see the fruits of that work and I feel better equipped and in a better emotional state to be able to be present for them again. Hallelujah! I’ve learned how to do some things I would have just passed off to Jon to do. One example is that recently I learned how to replace a tube in a bicycle tire. That is for sure something I would have had Jon handle. I’ve stretched passed my comfort zone and gained more confidence in my ability to take care of things. I find so much to be happy about. Simple things like flowers or clouds or waves crashing bring me so much peace. I tend to worry a lot about the unknowns of the future, so I’m glad I can find time to sit and calm myself in nature for a few minutes when I need to. I’m learning a lot about what feeds my soul. 

When I was attending my support group, so many people warned me that the second year would be harder than the first. There were some ways that was true. For example, the work with my kids to transition to our “new normal” was hard and will continue to take a lot of sustained effort on my part. However, I also think that because I did so much purposeful grieving work the first year, that the second year was not nearly as emotionally painful as the first. I know I have more energy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still like to nap every now and then! My mind doesn’t feel as foggy. I really feel good. I hope the trend continues and this next year is even better for me and my little family. 

Onward we go. 

Toward more peace.

More love.

More joyful memories.

More appreciation for every day we are fortunate enough to have.

Bring it on!

Take a walk through MY garden

I can't seem to get enough of my garden this year. I keep taking pictures of all the flowers and food growing. I was thinking about it the other day when it dawned on me that my garden is something that I do for me. Most of what I do is for my kids. Not everything is about them, but a lot is. It's the season of life I'm in, and I'm really ok with it. But my garden is mine. It makes me happy to go water it and watch it change and thrive. I typically water by myself, without anyone asking me for anything. It gives me a peaceful hour to myself. I love that it provides food for us and beautiful flowers to look at. The kids and I have enjoyed watching a spider on one of the sunflowers over the last few days. Our raspberries and strawberries rarely make it inside the house because we eat them so quickly. I brought a chair into the garden the other night to just sit and relax while the sun set. It's pretty idyllic. So, I provide for you, some eye candy.

May: The Beginnings

baby plums

June: the First Fruits

Occasionally I get to preserve some berries. If I beat the kids to picking them! 

We picked a radish that looked like a hummingbird. I gave Sean the task of taking it on a photographic adventure.

July: Plum Season

Almost ready. And then...

I processed a lot of plums. I dried some. I made fruit leather. I made plum bread. We gave loads and loads away. If I hadn't been leaving town I would have made jam. There's always next year. This tree doesn't quit!! 

I love the way peas cling onto the frame

Who knew potato flowers are so cute?!

This zucchini flower just had its hair perfectly coiffed. 

My neighbors grow grapes and they come over our fence. They aren't delicious, but they sure are fun to watch develop. 

And, oh, the glorious flowers!

Poppies and zinnias:

This bud reminded me of Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors

Hydrangeas and Teddy Bear sunflowers:

Succulents:

I love the purple stems on this one. And it has tiny yellow flowers. And inside the leaves it seems like aloe vera. So cool!

Other assorted beauties

  

Even the dried out things look kind of cool:

My pretty pink dahlias. These are huge and bright for several days until the sun starts fading them. 

Here's the sunset in the garden from the other night. 

I have spent a lot of time outside contemplating how I can add more flowers and trees to the yard. I have some ideas and have started working on little projects. I bought a tree that I'm excited about (a curly willow) and slowly, slowly I'll transform my little slice of heaven into a more beautiful place to spend my evenings.