Road Trippin' Leg 2: Snowbird (Part one)

We went to Utah to meet up with some of the Brady fam. We stopped at Shoshone Falls along the way. It was really beautiful. 

We made it up the mountain!!  

I never got tired of this view.

The kids played in the pool every day. I love how much they love each other.  

There were cousin sleepovers every night! 

A LOT of happy/silly sister time

The game room was a hit too

Plus, BINGO!! 

The older kids got to go snowshoeing one morning with a few of the adults. It looks like it was a fun time! 

Road Trippin' Leg 1: Tacoma/Ontario

Last fall, I bought a motorhome. Over the winter, and spring I did a lot of thinking about this motorhome purchase. I knew I didn't want to keep it for too long, so I decided I should take a road trip with my kids to really enjoy it while we had it. We loaded up and headed out! The kids were so excited about this trip. 

Day 1

Sean looks so much like Jon in this picture. 

We stopped for a night in Tacoma and had a lovely time (as always) with our people there. 

Day 2

Mount Tahoma

The prettiest rest area I've seen ever!

(Near Cle Elum)

We stopped at another place to stretch our legs and look around. It was really pretty, but there was a sign to watch out for rattlesnakes and that freaked me out a bit. 

 

These boys are excellent travellers.

We arrived in Ontario and it was so nice to know I didn't have to drive any more for a few days. This was my longest driving day (about 9 hours) and it was such a windy day. A motorhome picks up ALL the wind and tries to blow you all over the freeway. It was a bit stressful. But, we made it safely!!

The boys immediately got to what they love on the farm. Sean explored the property, and Matthew found a hen to snuggle.  

Our first full day at the farm, the boys went out with Grandma on the 4 wheeler. 

I always enjoy some hammock time.

One of my favorite things on the farm is the sky. I love how open it is. 

Lunch on the lawn with Grandpa

The boys did a LOT of driving the 4-wheeler. Grandma gave them lessons and they both did a great job. It's hard for me to give up some control to let them do things like this, but I know how good it is for them. I like seeing their confidence grow because they are learning new skills. I like seeing them learn how to be cautious. I love seeing them happy.

Then there's Matthew and his hens. This boy loves animals. Observing him made me think more about getting chickens of our own. I told him we could probably get some in the fall. I think him having something to be responsible for will be so good for him. 

I love sunsets here.

An Anniversary That Isn't Quite

Tomorrow would have been my 12th wedding anniversary with Jon. We weren't together last year (I was on a road trip with the kids), but our 10 year anniversary we were together and it was so much fun. The 4 of us went to a cabin near Lake Quinault. We had a somewhat impromptu sharing of new vows to each other on a hike in the forest. It was just so nice to take time to celebrate our little family. 

For the past few months, I have had a few thoughts about how I wanted to spend the day. As this week went on, plans got shifted around. I will be with some good friends and I'm sure we will have a beautiful day. I will wish Jon was here. I always wish Jon was here. I also wish I could be in the arms of the man I've been seeing lately. Because grief is complicated and being physically close to someone makes it more bearable. I also wish I could hide in bed all day. Honestly, I'm glad I won't be alone. A friend from my support group gave me a piece of advice when I was fretting Jon's birthday: Hold space for the possibility that it will be an amazing day. She was right about it then, and I believe it'll be true for tomorrow too.

All this to say... life, man. It's sure not predictable, is it? I'm doing my best to go with the flow. To accept my circumstances, and to make the best of them. I've been on the road, away from my home for almost 3 weeks now. I am having a ton of fun and stretching out of my comfort zone. I'm learning what some of my limits are. I'm learning who I am and who I want to be in this stage of my life. 

I feel like I'm not sticking to the subject of my would-be anniversary very well in this post. My mind wanders. I guess, in summary, I'll just say, I miss Jon. I miss being his wife and having him to talk to every day. I miss how he loved me. Knowing what I know now, I would marry him again in an instant. I'm always, always, always glad we found each other and built a life together.

Here are a couple pictures from our 10

Year anniversary trip.

Bend, Don't Break

Last week, I was sitting on my bed watching the trees blow every which way. Back and forth and almost in circles as if they were in a washing machine. I was mulling over some life decisions that morning, so I thought, "I feel like those trees. My mind is going in all directions."

I watched for a while. I took a video so I could try capturing the moment I thought about my decisions a bit. What is it I want to do? Where do I go? What's the right decision? I honestly don't know. Then I thought that I just need to be flexible. I've heard analogies about trees in the wind before. They bend so they don't break. If they are too rigid, they aren't able to withstand the wind and they just get knocked over. But if they are flexible, they can move in different directions, and remain a part of the tree that is deeply rooted. I will try to be like that. I know what matters most deeply in my life. All the other branches of my life, well, I can be flexible with them. Stay put or move? Doesn't matter honestly. I don't have to do either, so I have some time to make a very thoughtful choice on where to live. Date or don't? I'm ok either way. Would I like to? Yes. Do I have to? Sure don't. Keep the kids in school or homeschool? I can change my mind about that one, and I have in the past and my boys are happy and thriving wherever they are.

There are times I feel so weighed down with the responsibility of being an only parent. It feels so heavy. I realize, however, how very fortunate I am to have people that will help me so often. People that love me and my children and want us to be happy. People that encourage me and validate me. I realize I have more options available to me than many widows, and I'm so grateful for that. Jon didn't leave me destitute. I have some means. I have amazing friends. My family is beyond compare as far as being supportive. As good as I know I have it, it's still hard. I will continue to do my best, and to be flexible. I may get tossed around by life, but I won't break.