Cruisin!!

Last fall, a friend of mine asked if I had plans for spring break, which I didn't. She invited me to go on a cruise with her. I thought, "Why the heck not?" and booked it. The kids and I chose some shore excursions to do, and excitedly watched as we got closer to our departure date. The week before we left, Matthew got sick. He had a fever that just wouldn't go away. And he was coughing a lot. I knew he wouldn't be allowed on the boat if he was sick and I was getting nervous. I took him to the doctor to make sure it wasn't the flu. It was just one of those "let-it-run-its-course" things. My favorite!!! (Insert eye roll here)

Poor little dude was NOT himself.

Day 1: Portland to LA
The day we left for the cruise (Matthew was finally acting normal again), we woke up at 4:00 in the morning and flew to LA, and met up with our friends and got on the boat. Oh! And I ordered an Uber ride by myself for the very first time. Once we got settled into our room, we were so tired and I just crashed. Aaaaaand, I ended up sick with the virus Matthew had just gotten over. Awesome. (insert another eye roll here). We ended up having dinner and then just hanging out in our room and going to bed early. It had been a long day.

Sleepy, but excited travelers.

Mini golf on the ship!

The kids loved their window perch in our room

Day 2: Pacific Ocean

We were out on the open ocean. It was sunny and beautiful. The kids swam and went down the slide several times. They also hit the soft serve ice cream machine a few times. 

Day 3: Cabo San Lucas

As we were coming into the bay, we saw a couple of whales breaching. It was so cool! We also saw a stingray jump out of the water a couple times right by the boat. And there were some huge birds flying all over. We found out later they are called Frigate birds. The boys continued their daily ritual of a round of mini golf after breakfast, followed by ice cream. 

We decided to stay on the boat that day and just take it easy. I was still dealing with a fever and I knew the next couple days were going to be pretty active. It was so nice because so many people left the boat that we sort of had free reign of many of the activities. The kids went down the slide a bunch more. They lounged in the hot tub. We all ate ice cream. I read a bit. It was a lovely day.

The boys in their perch

The sunset was so beautiful that night. 

Day 4: Mazatlan

Our excursion for the day was a turtle sanctuary and beach resort. The baby turtles were so cute. This sanctuary has been operating for almost 100 years. They have a bunch of nests that they manage and they watch when the turtles hatch and head to the sea. The ones that don't start walking to the water, they keep for a couple years until they get stronger. Those are the ones we were able to interact with in this big pool. The boys were so giddy to be able to hold the little babies. 

This is one of the nesting boxes and we could see a little one hatching and coming up out of the sand. They were going to be released the next day. 

After playing with the turtles, we went to the resort and the kids played on a giant inflatable slide. Sean visited the ocean for a bit and Matthew swam in the pool. I sat in the shade and enjoyed the warm breeze. 

When we got back to the boat, we needed to refuel with more soft serve ice cream.

There was a paper airplane competition and it was really cute watching the boys very carefully folding their planes. Sean took the lead for a bit, but then it was snatched from him. It was still a fun time.

Day 5: Puerto Vallarta

Our excursion for this day was another beach resort. There was a ropes course the kids were going to do there. While we were on the boat ride out there, we got talked into an animal encounter with stingrays and a sea lion. 

So stoked for a boat ride.

When we first got to the resort, there was a yummy buffet lunch ready for us. It was so good. I finally had some Mexican food. I love guac!! And the desserts were also delicious. 

Then it was off to the ropes course for the kids, but first, flamingos!

Ok, I'm going to interject a story here. When we were setting up a time for the ropes course, the guy asked if I was the only adult in my group. I told him I was. He said there was a part of the course where an adult needed to pull a donkey up a hill, but he assured me it was fine because there was someone that could help me with one of the boys. When I got to the place where the boys got geared up, the lady there asked again if I was the only adult with my boys. I said yes again. She said ok (but I could tell she didn't love that). Everyone else there only had one child participating, so no trouble there. The other lady helping asked me one more time, if I was the only adult with my boys. I was so close to shouting at them "Their dad is dead, ok? It's just me!!" But I remained calm and knew it would all work out. Once we got closer to the part where the kids were going on the donkeys, she said that she would take Matthew and show us all how we needed to lead the donkeys up the hill. It was totally not a big deal at all, because she was there to help anyway. Ugh!!

Back to pictures of the adventures! 

After the ropes course, we hurried down to the animal encounters. The stingrays were so cool. The one we got to touch was named Goliath. Matthew was really excited about this. For a while his favorite animal was a stingray, so this was pretty special. There were some other rays swimming around us too, and they would rub against our legs. 

Next up was the sea lion. Matthew was not getting in the water with it. It was pretty intimidating to be so close to an animal bigger than me. He felt like a big, wet dog. 

We only had a little bit of time to play at the beach. I wish we had another hour to just relax, but we needed to get back to our ship. The crew on the boat was super entertaining. They put on a show for us and they were just all really nice and funny. Matthew was exhausted though, and slept through it all. It had been another full day. 

 Day 6: Cruising back to LA
This was a windy day, but still warm and lovely.

There was an egg drop in the afternoon. We were given instructions and a few hours to make our devices. Then we all gathered together to get our eggs and to see how our apparatuses turned out. Most of them were successful and all the kids got medals. It was a very well attended event. 

 

I was feeling mostly better, but still a bit tired, so we watched a lot of cartoons in our room. 

Day 7: Final cruising day back to LA

This day was so windy, the kids decided not to play their daily mini golf game after breakfast. But you can bet they didn't skip their ice cream!

  

They came up with a little game of rocking these chairs all over the deck. Funny boys

We went to an activity to learn how to fold towel animals. It was fun and followed by a towel-animal puppet show. 

Here are the animals that were left for us each day

Stingray

We think a lobster

Dog

From this angle we thought it's a crab,

from this angle, we thought it's a frog.

Elephant

Love

All in all, we had a really excellent time. I felt like so much of what we did was geared for the kids. I think if I hadn't been sick I would have done more of the night activities. Even with that setback, it was still so nice to get away and be warm and have something other than school to do for a while. I sure wouldn't mind going on another cruise some day. 

so many ways to remember and celebrate the life of a loved one

Since Jon died, I have gone to a funeral, a celebration of life, and a graveside service for different people. At each one, I wonder if we should have done something different for Jon's memorial. His death was so sudden and unexpected that my ability to plan was completely absent. My regret is that I didn't arrange for anyone to say anything to the group. In my defense, I couldn't even say the words "my husband shot himself," so I couldn't really handle much. I have been reassured that we did the right thing by keeping it casual. It was really nice to see people visiting and smiling and connecting. I know it was probably best for my kids (and all the kids there, really) to be able to run around at the park. It was good for my heart to see my boys laughing and being happy kids. I am grateful that my family provided papers for people to write stories about Jon. Nicki put those together into a beautiful book and I love everything that was shared. I'm grateful for the people that came to Jon's memorial and spent time with me, showing love and respect for Jon and for his family.

I don't really have a point with this post. Maybe just that any type of celebration of a person's life is lovely. What we chose to do was good for our family and that is enough.

Christmas Letter

I'm reading a book called Spending the Holidays With People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  There is a chapter called "Annual Christmas Letters: The Art of the Humblebrag." It made me want to sum up my year for y'all. Get ready!

Season's Greetings from the Brady Family!

Well, we survived the first full year without Jon. That's what people want to know, right? "How are you since... you know?" Sean, Matthew, and I each did some individual therapy. We also went to our support group twice a month. And we talked to each other a lot. There is so much adjusting for all of us. Only having one parent for all the love, discipline, attention, care, planning, driving, etc has taken a bit to get used to. I'm so lucky to have so much support from willing friends and family to help me when I need it.

Some highlights of the year included several trips. We flew to Texas and Hawaii in the winter to escape the cold. We took a road trip in our motorhome (which has since been sold) to Utah, Idaho, and Oregon. Almost 3 weeks on the road was so much fun. And also so tiring. Again, I felt fortunate to have family along the way to help me. I got a tattoo. The boys attended a grief camp over Father's Day weekend, and they had an amazing time there. We took a few trips to the Oregon coast to stay at a family beach house. We spent a lot of time with lots of cousins at various times during the year and we loved it all. I started homeschooling the boys in the fall and it has been a good thing for us. I have a really lovely group of widows I spend time with occasionally who are so much fun.

Life is beautiful. It isn't perfect, but who wants perfect? We're making it through a hard patch and rocking it! (Here's the humblebragging!!) The boys amaze me all the time. Sometimes they make me crazy, but also, they are pretty amazing and I'm proud of the people they are. I'm proud of how we have each just carried on. The kids continue to do well at school. I've started cooking again. We joined the YMCA again after several years away and it's been mostly good to have activities to do each week. We keep chugging along. What more could we want?

May your homes be filled with love and warmth and laughter and friendship always. 

Settling In

I feel like the boys and I are settling into this reality. We made it through the year of firsts. We did so much work. Therapy. Support groups. Crying. Figuring out new routines. Figuring out new boundaries. Yelling. More crying. 

A few weeks ago, a couple friends came over and we made freezer meals together. For the first time since Jon died, I was excited to cook because I was organized and had a plan. It felt so good. There has been some pushback from the kids because they liked eating out or having grilled cheese often, but I’m starting to care again about whether or not they eat veggies. Those poor children.

Back to the original thought. This is our life. The boys and I are really good. I love having them home with me. I think they enjoy having a much more relaxed schedule. Even without regular school, we still do a lot! Swim lessons, music, field trips, etc. But we are all happy and stable. We talk openly about what we think about Jon's death. I have very honest conversations with them about so many topics. Matthew didn't want to talk about missing Jon for over a year, but is starting to open up now. I'm certain it's because of the work he did in therapy, and I'm so grateful.

It's hard to know what the "right" thing to do is all the time. Not having a coparent has been an adjustment for sure. I have some trusted people that allow me to bounce ideas back and forth with, and I'm so grateful for those people. Being an only parent is wonderful and terrible. Terrible because all the decision making falls to me. Wonderful because I don't have anyone to disagree with. Some day, my situation could change. Maybe I'll be in a relationship again and so I'll have to adjust how things are done. For now though, I'm really liking being my little family of three. We have a good time together. I like the people my kids are becoming. I have been so proud of them these last 15 months. They have shown me how resilient they are. They have overcome fears. They have shown compassion and empathy to others and I'm just so proud that they are mine.

In conclusion, I guess I just wanted to say that I feel "normal" again. I'm not sure what I expected. I think I was just trying to survive year one. And I did. Now it's out of the way and I feel good. A friend of mine from my support group said something that resonated with me. She said "I was well before, so I knew I would be well again." Even though things are not as I ever imagined, they are still good. Really, really good.

Low Times

Most of the time, I love my life. I'm happy and positive and peaceful about things. And then there are low times. I've been in a funk for a few days and I would like it to stop. For a few weeks now, I've been thinking that I need to start exercising regularly again, but I haven't been motivated enough to actually do anything. One of my goals with homeschooling this year is to be outside with the kids more, no matter what the weather is. I'm doing ok with that one, but I'm worried that I'll wimp out once it's cold. Also, I nearly always get some push-back from one or both of my kids about leaving the house. Anyway, Saturday morning I woke up in a lot of period pain. I basically sat on the couch all day. It wasn't pretty. In the back of my mind, I knew that if I got up and went for a walk, my body would feel better. I just couldn't do it. I was able to make a real, honest to goodness, home cooked  meal (lentil soup) and load the dishwasher. I felt pretty amazing about those accomplishments.

Sunday was another pretty lazy day, but my pain was mostly gone and it wasn't raining, so I took the kids to a corn maze. There was some whining from one of my children and he just wanted to stay home and play video games. I told him that wasn't an option and we went and had a nice time. It had taken a lot of energy points for me to go out that day, and I ended up taking a nap on the couch that evening. We ate leftovers and the boys foraged for snacks. I sent them to start getting ready for bed and walked to the kitchen to turn off the lights and found it a disaster area. Wrappers and dirty dishes all over the counter. A pickle jar with one pickle left in it. A bunch of random crap. I was so tired and so grumpy and I was in no mood to ask the kids to clean it that night, so I wrote them a note on the white board they look at every morning. It said something like "Boys! Seriously!! Clean up the kitchen. None of that stuff is my mess. Please take care of your crap. And empty the dishwasher." That was the general idea anyway.

Monday morning I woke up and just had no motivation to get out of bed. The boys nearly always come in and give me a snuggle before starting on their day. One child brought me a cup of tea. I think I mentioned something about the kitchen. They were like "sure, sure," and then they were off. I was just tired. I didn't want to fight anymore. I didn't want to remind them that they need to be responsible for their own messes. I didn't want to be a nag. I didn't want to have to stand there looking at the stupid mess while they took care of it. I just wanted to stay in bed. Then the mom guilt started in. I should have been with them. I should be doing some school with them. I should get my butt out of bed. I could hear them playing nicely together and I thought that was a good thing since I was being a stay-in-bed-mom. I reached out to a friend for support and she said I should be fine taking the day off if I needed it and that she would bring me snacks if I needed them. Another friend said to power through it. I told him I needed to have a cry first. I think sometimes things just stack up and stack up and I hit a wall of "Holy crap, it's the same thing all the time. I'm having the same stupid fights with my strong-willed child nearly daily. And I'm doing this parenting thing by myself and I feel super disrespected by said child and I don't know how to fix it. And I'm tired. So, so tired." Like I said at the beginning of this post, most of the time, I love my life. Every day I love my children and I want to work at helping shape them into lovely adults. But other days, I want to give up. It's hard work, and when I don't see progress, it's hard to stay motivated. But I won't freaking give up and let them raise themselves, because that's not an acceptable option for me. "Nevertheless, she [effing] persisted." I eventually made it out of bed after having a long phone call with one of my favorite people. I hadn't talked with her for a while so catching up with her pulled me away from my self-pity enough that I could get up. I came downstairs to the kitchen that was still a huge mess. I was really disheartened, but I got the kids down there working and then I swept the floor and threw some more crap away and felt better. The day ended pretty well. I felt pretty sure that the next day would be more productive.

Well, I woke up today and did feel pretty good. I had a list of things I needed to get done and I did them. Then I got trapped in a project I made for myself (moving files from one drive to another. It doesn't really matter, but I got into it and couldn't stop). So I was again, trying to parent from my bedroom, which isn't quite as effective with young children as you might think. I reminded them that they are required to do some school work every day and directed them to some things they could do independently while I worked on my computer some more. They did manage to stay on task for about 30 minutes which was pretty good. The rest of the day went pretty well until dinner. I was making something I knew the kids don't love, but it's a meal, right? We also had leftover ramen. I offered them the option of leftovers or the thing they don't love. Anyway, long story short, there was more yelling during dinner. I get so frustrated trying to explain why it's important to not eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and dinner. I wasn't terribly kind and I told one of my children "make whatever you want. I'm not sitting here anymore. Wash your dishes when you're done. I'm going to my room and I kind of don't want to see you anymore tonight." It wasn't my best moment, but I chose to leave the area so it wouldn't escalate further. All the while, feeling that same heaviness of "I don't know how to help this child. I'm a terrible mother."

I must say, I know I'm not a terrible mother. I really do. And I have a lot of people telling me that I'm doing a great job and I appreciate that so much. However, they aren't there listening to me yell at a tiny human who really can't help being who he is. It's my job to teach him and give him the life skills he needs. I just checked out some books that I hope will give me some skills to know how to parent more effectively.

I was in my room, watching old home videos of the kids when they were little. My gosh they were so cute and it was fun to relive some of those moments. The boys watched a bunch with me. While watching those videos I felt more of "I'm not having fun being a mom right now. I want to get back to that." I'm in such a heavy, guilt-heavy place right now. I talked to my friend tonight (the one I talk to every night, because he's a pretty amazing friend), and after he listened to me vent and whine and cry, he helped me come up with some solutions to some of the recurring problems I'm having with my kids. Having a plan and some action steps is always helpful. I'm hopeful about tomorrow. I will start getting out of bed earlier (like before 10) and I will do more than sit around all day. I will set up some structure with the kids about expectations for school and general home life. I will eat healthy food. I will breathe deeply. I will love and hug my children and keep going.

We took these last week, before I fell into my funk.

One Year

It's been a year. I tried calling his phone this morning to listen to his voicemail greeting but it's gone. I don't know how that happened as I've kept his phone active. It made me sad that I couldn't hear his voice this morning.

I stayed up late last night talking to my sister about Jon's last days. I'll spend the next few days with family doing some purposeful activities to remember him. We will laugh and cry and be strong together.

My uncle read a poem at my grandma's funeral last Saturday and I keep going over the last part in my mind:

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
It is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."
From the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

I sure have some broken dreams, but life is beautiful still. Thank you to all of you who have been such a huge part of my journey. I love you and I'm grateful we can help each other through the drudgery.

And to Jonathan Brady: I always told you I would love you forever. It's as true now as it has ever been.

Almost a Year

I joined a Facebook group for widows/widowers which has been a nice resource for advice and support. Recently, I read one woman's post about coming up on the anniversary of her husband's death. She wrote "I'm cataloging all the joys and all the things I've learned about life and myself this year. Kinda like why not celebrate my survival of Year One rather than focus solely on his death."

I've been thinking about this and feel like I want to make my own list.

Joys:

• Cuddling with my kids. 
• More frequent sleepovers with the boys.
• So much family time!
• Visits from friends. The first few months after Jon died, I think I was only on my own one or two weekends. It was really nice.
• Support groups.
• Traveling. I went all over and it was amazing.
• Watching my kids thrive.
• Appreciating mundane experiences more. Things like recognizing patterns in nature. Clouds, trees, flowers, they are so beautiful. Sitting and listening to birds. Raising caterpillars. 
• Going dancing. 
• Playing games with friends and family. 
• Eating ice cream.
• Training for, and completing a couple of fun runs. 
• Getting a pet rabbit! It's a bit silly how much I love him.

Things I've learned about life and myself:

• Time is precious. Don't waste it. 
• If you love someone, tell them often. 
• Good friends (including family) can get you through anything. 
• It's ok to change your mind about anything in your life. You can move, change jobs, buy and sell stuff, cut your hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, go vegan, start/quit school, date a lot or never, redecorate. Whatever! Try stuff out, live your life!
• Be kind. And be honest.
• I have limits. I have a finite amount of patience and energy. I can't do everything. And that's ok.
• I love my quiet life. I love time with people, but I love how low-key my day to day life is.
• Loneliness is garbage, and so is dating. Having a trusted friend that is willing to talk every night and be close to me is priceless and more than enough, most of the time.

This isn't a very profound list by any means, nor is it complete. But I like being reflective. I like focusing on the positive of this last year. I don't cry like I did the first few months. It surprises me now when it happens. I'm sure I'll always miss Jon. I'm sad about the plans we had that won't ever materialize. But I can make new plans. I have a great life. If I dwell on what I don't have, I'll rob the joy from every new and wonderful experience waiting in my future. Here's to another year of growth and discovery!!