Cruisin!!

Last fall, a friend of mine asked if I had plans for spring break, which I didn't. She invited me to go on a cruise with her. I thought, "Why the heck not?" and booked it. The kids and I chose some shore excursions to do, and excitedly watched as we got closer to our departure date. The week before we left, Matthew got sick. He had a fever that just wouldn't go away. And he was coughing a lot. I knew he wouldn't be allowed on the boat if he was sick and I was getting nervous. I took him to the doctor to make sure it wasn't the flu. It was just one of those "let-it-run-its-course" things. My favorite!!! (Insert eye roll here)

Poor little dude was NOT himself.

Day 1: Portland to LA
The day we left for the cruise (Matthew was finally acting normal again), we woke up at 4:00 in the morning and flew to LA, and met up with our friends and got on the boat. Oh! And I ordered an Uber ride by myself for the very first time. Once we got settled into our room, we were so tired and I just crashed. Aaaaaand, I ended up sick with the virus Matthew had just gotten over. Awesome. (insert another eye roll here). We ended up having dinner and then just hanging out in our room and going to bed early. It had been a long day.

Sleepy, but excited travelers.

Mini golf on the ship!

The kids loved their window perch in our room

Day 2: Pacific Ocean

We were out on the open ocean. It was sunny and beautiful. The kids swam and went down the slide several times. They also hit the soft serve ice cream machine a few times. 

Day 3: Cabo San Lucas

As we were coming into the bay, we saw a couple of whales breaching. It was so cool! We also saw a stingray jump out of the water a couple times right by the boat. And there were some huge birds flying all over. We found out later they are called Frigate birds. The boys continued their daily ritual of a round of mini golf after breakfast, followed by ice cream. 

We decided to stay on the boat that day and just take it easy. I was still dealing with a fever and I knew the next couple days were going to be pretty active. It was so nice because so many people left the boat that we sort of had free reign of many of the activities. The kids went down the slide a bunch more. They lounged in the hot tub. We all ate ice cream. I read a bit. It was a lovely day.

The boys in their perch

The sunset was so beautiful that night. 

Day 4: Mazatlan

Our excursion for the day was a turtle sanctuary and beach resort. The baby turtles were so cute. This sanctuary has been operating for almost 100 years. They have a bunch of nests that they manage and they watch when the turtles hatch and head to the sea. The ones that don't start walking to the water, they keep for a couple years until they get stronger. Those are the ones we were able to interact with in this big pool. The boys were so giddy to be able to hold the little babies. 

This is one of the nesting boxes and we could see a little one hatching and coming up out of the sand. They were going to be released the next day. 

After playing with the turtles, we went to the resort and the kids played on a giant inflatable slide. Sean visited the ocean for a bit and Matthew swam in the pool. I sat in the shade and enjoyed the warm breeze. 

When we got back to the boat, we needed to refuel with more soft serve ice cream.

There was a paper airplane competition and it was really cute watching the boys very carefully folding their planes. Sean took the lead for a bit, but then it was snatched from him. It was still a fun time.

Day 5: Puerto Vallarta

Our excursion for this day was another beach resort. There was a ropes course the kids were going to do there. While we were on the boat ride out there, we got talked into an animal encounter with stingrays and a sea lion. 

So stoked for a boat ride.

When we first got to the resort, there was a yummy buffet lunch ready for us. It was so good. I finally had some Mexican food. I love guac!! And the desserts were also delicious. 

Then it was off to the ropes course for the kids, but first, flamingos!

Ok, I'm going to interject a story here. When we were setting up a time for the ropes course, the guy asked if I was the only adult in my group. I told him I was. He said there was a part of the course where an adult needed to pull a donkey up a hill, but he assured me it was fine because there was someone that could help me with one of the boys. When I got to the place where the boys got geared up, the lady there asked again if I was the only adult with my boys. I said yes again. She said ok (but I could tell she didn't love that). Everyone else there only had one child participating, so no trouble there. The other lady helping asked me one more time, if I was the only adult with my boys. I was so close to shouting at them "Their dad is dead, ok? It's just me!!" But I remained calm and knew it would all work out. Once we got closer to the part where the kids were going on the donkeys, she said that she would take Matthew and show us all how we needed to lead the donkeys up the hill. It was totally not a big deal at all, because she was there to help anyway. Ugh!!

Back to pictures of the adventures! 

After the ropes course, we hurried down to the animal encounters. The stingrays were so cool. The one we got to touch was named Goliath. Matthew was really excited about this. For a while his favorite animal was a stingray, so this was pretty special. There were some other rays swimming around us too, and they would rub against our legs. 

Next up was the sea lion. Matthew was not getting in the water with it. It was pretty intimidating to be so close to an animal bigger than me. He felt like a big, wet dog. 

We only had a little bit of time to play at the beach. I wish we had another hour to just relax, but we needed to get back to our ship. The crew on the boat was super entertaining. They put on a show for us and they were just all really nice and funny. Matthew was exhausted though, and slept through it all. It had been another full day. 

 Day 6: Cruising back to LA
This was a windy day, but still warm and lovely.

There was an egg drop in the afternoon. We were given instructions and a few hours to make our devices. Then we all gathered together to get our eggs and to see how our apparatuses turned out. Most of them were successful and all the kids got medals. It was a very well attended event. 

 

I was feeling mostly better, but still a bit tired, so we watched a lot of cartoons in our room. 

Day 7: Final cruising day back to LA

This day was so windy, the kids decided not to play their daily mini golf game after breakfast. But you can bet they didn't skip their ice cream!

  

They came up with a little game of rocking these chairs all over the deck. Funny boys

We went to an activity to learn how to fold towel animals. It was fun and followed by a towel-animal puppet show. 

Here are the animals that were left for us each day

Stingray

We think a lobster

Dog

From this angle we thought it's a crab,

from this angle, we thought it's a frog.

Elephant

Love

All in all, we had a really excellent time. I felt like so much of what we did was geared for the kids. I think if I hadn't been sick I would have done more of the night activities. Even with that setback, it was still so nice to get away and be warm and have something other than school to do for a while. I sure wouldn't mind going on another cruise some day. 

so many ways to remember and celebrate the life of a loved one

Since Jon died, I have gone to a funeral, a celebration of life, and a graveside service for different people. At each one, I wonder if we should have done something different for Jon's memorial. His death was so sudden and unexpected that my ability to plan was completely absent. My regret is that I didn't arrange for anyone to say anything to the group. In my defense, I couldn't even say the words "my husband shot himself," so I couldn't really handle much. I have been reassured that we did the right thing by keeping it casual. It was really nice to see people visiting and smiling and connecting. I know it was probably best for my kids (and all the kids there, really) to be able to run around at the park. It was good for my heart to see my boys laughing and being happy kids. I am grateful that my family provided papers for people to write stories about Jon. Nicki put those together into a beautiful book and I love everything that was shared. I'm grateful for the people that came to Jon's memorial and spent time with me, showing love and respect for Jon and for his family.

I don't really have a point with this post. Maybe just that any type of celebration of a person's life is lovely. What we chose to do was good for our family and that is enough.

Christmas Letter

I'm reading a book called Spending the Holidays With People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  There is a chapter called "Annual Christmas Letters: The Art of the Humblebrag." It made me want to sum up my year for y'all. Get ready!

Season's Greetings from the Brady Family!

Well, we survived the first full year without Jon. That's what people want to know, right? "How are you since... you know?" Sean, Matthew, and I each did some individual therapy. We also went to our support group twice a month. And we talked to each other a lot. There is so much adjusting for all of us. Only having one parent for all the love, discipline, attention, care, planning, driving, etc has taken a bit to get used to. I'm so lucky to have so much support from willing friends and family to help me when I need it.

Some highlights of the year included several trips. We flew to Texas and Hawaii in the winter to escape the cold. We took a road trip in our motorhome (which has since been sold) to Utah, Idaho, and Oregon. Almost 3 weeks on the road was so much fun. And also so tiring. Again, I felt fortunate to have family along the way to help me. I got a tattoo. The boys attended a grief camp over Father's Day weekend, and they had an amazing time there. We took a few trips to the Oregon coast to stay at a family beach house. We spent a lot of time with lots of cousins at various times during the year and we loved it all. I started homeschooling the boys in the fall and it has been a good thing for us. I have a really lovely group of widows I spend time with occasionally who are so much fun.

Life is beautiful. It isn't perfect, but who wants perfect? We're making it through a hard patch and rocking it! (Here's the humblebragging!!) The boys amaze me all the time. Sometimes they make me crazy, but also, they are pretty amazing and I'm proud of the people they are. I'm proud of how we have each just carried on. The kids continue to do well at school. I've started cooking again. We joined the YMCA again after several years away and it's been mostly good to have activities to do each week. We keep chugging along. What more could we want?

May your homes be filled with love and warmth and laughter and friendship always. 

Settling In

I feel like the boys and I are settling into this reality. We made it through the year of firsts. We did so much work. Therapy. Support groups. Crying. Figuring out new routines. Figuring out new boundaries. Yelling. More crying. 

A few weeks ago, a couple friends came over and we made freezer meals together. For the first time since Jon died, I was excited to cook because I was organized and had a plan. It felt so good. There has been some pushback from the kids because they liked eating out or having grilled cheese often, but I’m starting to care again about whether or not they eat veggies. Those poor children.

Back to the original thought. This is our life. The boys and I are really good. I love having them home with me. I think they enjoy having a much more relaxed schedule. Even without regular school, we still do a lot! Swim lessons, music, field trips, etc. But we are all happy and stable. We talk openly about what we think about Jon's death. I have very honest conversations with them about so many topics. Matthew didn't want to talk about missing Jon for over a year, but is starting to open up now. I'm certain it's because of the work he did in therapy, and I'm so grateful.

It's hard to know what the "right" thing to do is all the time. Not having a coparent has been an adjustment for sure. I have some trusted people that allow me to bounce ideas back and forth with, and I'm so grateful for those people. Being an only parent is wonderful and terrible. Terrible because all the decision making falls to me. Wonderful because I don't have anyone to disagree with. Some day, my situation could change. Maybe I'll be in a relationship again and so I'll have to adjust how things are done. For now though, I'm really liking being my little family of three. We have a good time together. I like the people my kids are becoming. I have been so proud of them these last 15 months. They have shown me how resilient they are. They have overcome fears. They have shown compassion and empathy to others and I'm just so proud that they are mine.

In conclusion, I guess I just wanted to say that I feel "normal" again. I'm not sure what I expected. I think I was just trying to survive year one. And I did. Now it's out of the way and I feel good. A friend of mine from my support group said something that resonated with me. She said "I was well before, so I knew I would be well again." Even though things are not as I ever imagined, they are still good. Really, really good.