Bend, Don't Break

Last week, I was sitting on my bed watching the trees blow every which way. Back and forth and almost in circles as if they were in a washing machine. I was mulling over some life decisions that morning, so I thought, "I feel like those trees. My mind is going in all directions."

I watched for a while. I took a video so I could try capturing the moment I thought about my decisions a bit. What is it I want to do? Where do I go? What's the right decision? I honestly don't know. Then I thought that I just need to be flexible. I've heard analogies about trees in the wind before. They bend so they don't break. If they are too rigid, they aren't able to withstand the wind and they just get knocked over. But if they are flexible, they can move in different directions, and remain a part of the tree that is deeply rooted. I will try to be like that. I know what matters most deeply in my life. All the other branches of my life, well, I can be flexible with them. Stay put or move? Doesn't matter honestly. I don't have to do either, so I have some time to make a very thoughtful choice on where to live. Date or don't? I'm ok either way. Would I like to? Yes. Do I have to? Sure don't. Keep the kids in school or homeschool? I can change my mind about that one, and I have in the past and my boys are happy and thriving wherever they are.

There are times I feel so weighed down with the responsibility of being an only parent. It feels so heavy. I realize, however, how very fortunate I am to have people that will help me so often. People that love me and my children and want us to be happy. People that encourage me and validate me. I realize I have more options available to me than many widows, and I'm so grateful for that. Jon didn't leave me destitute. I have some means. I have amazing friends. My family is beyond compare as far as being supportive. As good as I know I have it, it's still hard. I will continue to do my best, and to be flexible. I may get tossed around by life, but I won't break.

Tattoo

I had never wanted a tattoo before Jon died, but suddenly I wanted a permanent reminder of him with me always. I had plans of getting Jon's logo tattooed on my body at some point. I made some temporary ones and tried them out in different places and decided where to put it. I met with an artist and made an appointment.

Jon's logo his brother designed for him

Then came some of my angry phase and I wanted a tattoo that was for me and not for Jon. I kept seeing images of lotus flowers and reading about their symbolism. Its roots are in mud, and it blooms in murky water. It represents overcoming hardships, and opening to the divine within you. There are lots of meanings and symbols actually, and I enjoyed learning about them all. I looked at loads of images of lotus flowers and decided on one that really spoke to me. In the image, there were a few dots above and below the flower. I decided I wanted one dot above for Jon and three below for me and the boys. I scheduled this tattoo before the other one and headed in to get it done.

Holy smokes!! I have had 2 babies with no pain meds but this was such a different kind of pain, and I didn't do well with it. I started to lose my hearing. My vision was going dark. I started sweating from every pore. In my mind, I kept saying to myself "Come back, Betsy. Come back." It didn't really work. The guy stopped for a bit and I noticed another gal had come over too. She said "I'm going to get you some water and candy." The artist asked if I had eaten that morning and I assured him I had. I looked over at my arm and I could see that he had a little more to do. I rested for a few minutes and felt myself getting back to normal. He finished up and I didn't black out again but I may have if it went on much longer. I'm really really happy with it, but now I can't go through with the other one. It would have been in an even more sensitive spot, so I know I would have trouble again. And Jon is still represented in the dot closest to my heart. Always with me.

After it healed for a bit, I let my friend color it in which was so fun. I have plans to color it in for different holidays or events. I love coloring so now I always have a coloring page with me.

Forgiveness

I've spent a lot of the last couple months being angry with Jon. He did some things during the last few months of his life that were very out of character for him and I was really hurt by them. I don't want to be angry forever, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that being angry keeps me from being sad. When Jon first died I was a mess. I just wanted to know why. Why did he leave us? Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he ask for help? As time went on, and I came to terms with his death a little, my thoughts changed. I'm angry for what he kept from me. I'm angry he made me doubt our relationship. I'm angry I can't fight with him about things I've learned since his death.

I've been really struggling with how I can move past this anger. I was talking this over with a friend who reminded me that I need to forgive him. And that I need to do it for me and no one else. It was just what I needed to hear. I mean, duh! Why didn't I put that together in my brain?! My friend suggested some action steps I could take that could start the process. The other morning I went to the waterfront where we spent many hours together as a family and even a couple times on dates. I pulled up a picture of Jon on my phone and started talking to him out loud. I began awkwardly because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say. I told him I missed him and loved him and that I was mad. I told him what I was mad about. I told him I'm mad I can't yell at him about all this now. Then I wondered out loud what I even wanted. In that moment I realized, and said out loud, that I want an apology I'll never get. I cried and cried. I said exactly what I would have wanted him to say to me. I said that I want to forgive him. I said "I  miss you. And I love you." I couldn't bring myself to say "I forgive you." Not yet. Then I just sat for a while. I didn't have any more thoughts or words. I was done for a bit. I drove home and sat for a while in the kitchen, feeling emotionally drained. I probably only sat at the waterfront for maybe fifteen minutes, but it was enough I guess. I don't feel like I've forgiven him, but taking a thoughtful, purposeful first step was huge for me.

There is a song from the Hamilton soundtrack that tugs on my heart hard. It's called It's Quiet Uptown. The song takes place after Alexander Hamilton's son is killed and his wife is angry for him knowing about the duel. Anyway, there is a part in the song that talks about the forgiveness that happens and every single time I hear the song, it moves me. "Forgiveness. Can you imagine?"

Hawaii

Before Jon died last year, we had been planning on taking a trip to Hawaii for Christmas. We wanted to take our kids somewhere warm and sunny. Well, life happened and our Hawaii trip was postponed. Sean actually asked in those early days after Jon died if we would still be able to go on trips. I assured him we would.

Creed and Holly started planning a trip to see my aunt and uncle (who are in Hawaii on a mission) and we all agreed it would be fun to go together, so we made it happen. Our friend Chelsea joined us too.

I took a gazillion pictures, so... get ready.

Day 1- Sunday
We woke up early and Amy kindly drove us to the airport. Creed and Holly actually went out there a few days before us. Chelsea and I flew with the kids and we had a lovely flight. The airline had lots of media for the kids to be entertained. I had packed games and activities, but they weren't needed.

When we landed and got our car, we got in touch with Creed and Holly and they were out at a beach. We unloaded our stuff at the rental house, and walked to the beach closest to our house. It was so warm and sunny and beautiful. The boys were so happy to play in the water. They were initially cautious of the waves, but then figured out how to watch them and got more comfortable. There was one wave that came up higher than we thought it would and it tried to bury all our stuff in water. It was pretty funny.

Later that day, we met up with Creed and Holly and they took us to another nearby beach where there were turtles hanging out.

Day 2- Monday

In the morning, I took the boys to the beach for a bit. There was a random dog there running around with us. It was fine for a while and kind of funny to watch this dog digging in the sand and being ridiculous. But then she started being a little more aggressive and jumping on the boys, so we left to head out to another spot. As we were walking back to the house, I was a little behind the kids and just listened to them talking. I was taking in the trees and the sunshine. It reminded me so much of all the times I wandered around the beaches in the Philippines as a kid. I loved the beach and was so fortunate to have the chance to spend so much time out there. Hours and hours looking for shells, playing with brittle star fish, swimming, building sand castles and tide pools. I felt so much nostalgia and gratitude for my upbringing. 

Off we went to another beach. I should remember the names of the places we went, but I sure don't. The place we stayed was great and had boogie boards and flippers and other things we could use. It was so nice. 

Yet another beach we went to, Paradise Cove, there was a sea turtle swimming around which was cool to see. 

The boys and I went back to the beach closest to us to enjoy the sunset.

Day 3- Tuesday

This was probably my favorite day of our week. Chelsea and I went to Costco in the morning for supplies. There was so much giggling. We had forgotten our shopping list and asked Holly to text us a picture of it. There were so hilarious additions to the list when it was sent over. 

He said "Call me Rosy Cheeks"

After we unloaded the food, we packed up some food and headed to a beach that Creed, Holly and Chelsea had visited the evening before. I decided to grab Jon's ashes that I was hoping to find a place for while in Hawaii. The little beach was at the north end of Makua Beach. The public beach appeared to be closed for some construction, so we were at a roadside pullout. It was so private and we had the place to ourselves for the majority of our time there.

I decided this was a good place to spread some of Jon's ashes. I asked Matthew first if he wanted to put some in the water and he did. After he let all the ashes wash off his hands, he said "My dad is basically Poseidon because he's in the water." 

Sean was up next and tried to toss them, but it didn't really work since his hands were so wet. But he was still able to get the ashes into the water. 

I decided to walk a little further out to leave some ashes. I was fine in the moment, but after I closed the lid and just stood there hearing the kids play and laugh and enjoy the day, I was struck by Jon's absence. He should have been here with us. He loved the water, he would have loved sharing this fun day with all of us. Going to Hawaii as a family was something we all were looking forward to.  

Holly, Creed, and Chelsea all had a chance to release some of Jon into the water too. 

I felt the need to have some time alone. I think Creed did too. He and I walked away from the group together and cried a bit together. I walked up onto a rocky area. It had several plaques placed into the rocks as memorials to people who had died. It was really beautiful and moving and seemed so fitting. "I sat for a while and cried and wondered "why?" After crying, I felt ready to move forward and enjoy this day at the beach with my family. 

Spending a little time with Jon's ashes. Looking out at the ocean.

One of the markers.

The rest of the day we spent playing in the water. Riding waves, attempting to surf, swimming, building a sand castle, snacking, and laughing a lot. 

"The cure for anything is salt water. Sweat, tears, or the sea." By Isak Dinesen

Day 4- Wednesday

We went to the open markets in Honolulu to do some shopping. We got some good stuff. After that, we headed to Pearl Harbor. We weren't there early enough to take the ferry to see the USS Arizona, so we enjoyed the other exhibits. 

From there, we headed north to visit my aunt and uncle. 

Heidi showing me pictures.

We headed to the Sunset Beach right by their house for a bit before heading to dinner at Seven Brothers. 

I love these goofballs!

Day 5- Thursday

Ella and I started the morning with some yoga.

The back yard of the house had a tire swing which the kids all had fun with. The patio was also a really peaceful place to spend time together.

We hiked the Diamond Head Crater. It was a sunny day and all the vistas were just so beautiful. When we got to the top, we were hit with a really quick downpour. 

I ended up leaving some ashes up here too. It was much less ceremonious, but it was so pretty that I thought it was a good place for part of him to hang out.

Sean really liked this artillery lookout.

We cooled off with some shaved ice.

Then back to the beach!!

Day 6-Friday

This was our last full day, so we wanted to spend more time at beaches. First up was Makaha Beach. 

We headed back to what we call Jon's Beach.

Matthew made a little sea urchin nursery

Chelsea and the boys and I went back to the little beach by our house to enjoy our last sunset. 

My aunt and uncle came down that night and we all went to get dinner together.

Matthew said "Santa Claus gone wrong."

Back at the house, we were all treating our sunburns with aloe. It was quite a hilarious process. 

Saturday morning, Chelsea, the boys and I flew home. We had such a nice time together. Having the sun shine every day was so nice. Being warm was so welcome. It snowed at home while we were away. I'm so glad we took the time to make a trip to Hawaii happen. I'm so glad we went with the people we did. I'm so glad I got to see my aunt and uncle while I was there. There were so many new, happy memories made and over and over I'm so grateful for the people in my life.